Day 6 of the Colorado Trail

July 26

20 miles

It started to rain around 4:20 am. Luckily, it was short-lived and not heavy. I’d been having terrible nightmares all night. Whenever I woke and returned to sleep, the nightmare would pick up where it had left off! (Awful!) In the dream, half of my school campus had been closed off and turned into a crime scene. One of the teachers had gone out into the woods around midnight the night before and was brutally attacked again and again. She refused to die, though. She returned to town in a ravaged, near-death state. I felt very scared and it was hard to shake off the feeling (especially being out in the woods, alone).

I got up at 5:55 and ate some granola pieces and a trail bar in my sleeping bag. It was cold- 42 degrees! By 7 am, I was packed up and ready to go. The big morning climb was not strenuous because it was spread out over so many miles.
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I reached the 11,800 foot summit, which was my first time above treeline, and planned to take a break there, but it was too cold and windy! Still, it was beautiful and I felt so happy to finally be out on an exposed summit! This is why I wanted to hike out here!
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I put on my rain jacket and started the descent. About 8.7 miles in, I met a nice cyclist heading the opposite way. He stopped and asked me if I was having a good day! He asked me where I was planning to camp and told me he was set up 5 miles away. (I thought that was too early to end my day). He wanted to make sure I had enough food and water, and told me that the white van I would see was his in case I was wondering. He hoped to see me again later.
By the time I got to the river where I could fill my water, I was so tired! I tried to find a nice campsite area where I could eat my lunch, but ended up sitting on a log stump in not-the nicest area. I had peanut butter and honey on an english muffin, a little beef jerky, a little trail mix, and a snickers. I continued on and saw his white van. Then, I got lost! I couldn’t find the trail. ATV riders came roaring down the dirt path from the woods! I knew I was no longer on the CT! I kept walking, hoping there was an intersection ahead that would lead me to the trail, but I found nothing. I saw some trailer campers, but no one said anything. So, I retraced my steps. I realized that I missed my turn-off before the white van! The van had distracted me!
It was now 2pm, and I started another climb. As I crossed a road, a pack of cyclists came flying down and I almost followed them, taking the wrong way a second time! The CT crossed the road and continued into the woods. I managed to find my way, returning to my solitary trail. This was the toughest climb of the hike so far. It was hot, dry, and the incline was steep and unrelenting. I had to stop many times to catch my breath and take a moment of rest. Finally, I made it to the top of the climb. There were so many dead trees all over the ground! I guess it was due to the beetle destruction.
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The trail was not well-marked in this area. I would come to forks, look at my guidebook pages, and receive no indication as to which way the trail lead! Luckily, at an intersection ahead, someone had hand written a “CT” and an arrow, so I knew which way I was supposed to go. I started descending the switchbacks. My pace considerably slowed. Several mountain bikers came whizzing by, and each time, I would have to step off the trail and let them go by. I had been unable to charge my ipod before this trip, rendering it useless, so I couldn’t bring it. That turned out to be a good thing, because it would have been dangerous to be on this trail with all of the mountain bikers flying towards you without notice, unable to hear them and quickly step aside! I sat down on the side of the trail for a break and checked to see if I had any cell service. I was getting exhausted. After finishing the switchbacks, a very outgoing cyclist in an orange shirt, in his fifties, came towards me, letting out whoops. “Are you all alone? Where are you going? You’re brave!”. In a loud voice, he shouted out, “This is a national scenic treasure you’re on! It’s way better than the PCT or the AT! You can see all the peaks!” I wanted to tell him that it was me and him, out in nature and that he didn’t need to talk so loudly. He started naming the peaks. “I’m sure you’ve researched them,” he added. (Actually… no, I had not…). “I hate the Collegiate Peaks!” he continued. “You know why? Because they are so dry!” I thought I was finished with the driest sections of the trail. I guess not… He then told me about a bike race that would be starting in another week, along the same route I was traveling, from Denver to Durango. He told me that the bikers camp along the way. that it is a self-supported race, and the first one to Durango wins. “I think you are going to enjoy it,” he told me. I was so exhausted… I had just hiked 20 miles and wanted to relax and rest. I didn’t have energy to create conversation. He took off and said he would see me in a little while.
At the next intersection, I sat down to rest. I had planned to continue on until I came to the next landmark- a set of power lines, but for some reason, I decided to look around the area. I saw some flat ground… Maybe I should camp right here! I set up my tent underneath some trees and went back out to the grassy mound in the sun. The temperature was in the 70s. It was warm in the sun, but cool in the trees where my tent was, and it was hard to know how to layer. I checked for reception and got a very faint signal. I didn’t feel like eating much. Another backpacker came around the corner. He was almost staggering, looked exhausted, and his face had a look of suffering. He gave me a slight wave, but did not really look at me. He just kept walking. Then I realized who it was! It was one of the 2 men I had met a few hours into the start of my hike, who so happily planned to hike to Breckenridge in 6 days! His more obviously out of shape friend was no longer with him. I looked at my watch and thought about him finishing in the dark. With so much suffering, I wondered if hiking this stretch in the amount of time he wanted to do it in was really worth it.
20 miles was plenty enough for me for the day. I rested for about 40 minutes, cleaned up, and then went out to watch the sun set for the first time on my hike.
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Day 5 of the Colorado Trail

July 25

6 miles

I woke up sometime after five. I checked my phone and found a message from my Swiss friend, telling me that the timing wouldn’t work out to talk, as he had activities planned from the late afternoon on. We were now separated by a time difference of eight hours and it was making finding time to talk even more difficult. I decided to try Skyping him from my bed, but it was a one way phone call due to the lack of reception in my motel room! He could hear me, but his voice was transmuted into that of an impossible to understand robot! I decided to get dressed, went outside, and walked until I got reception. I told him a little about my hike so far and showed him the dilapidated town I was staying in. I was standing next to a little shack with broken windows- a far cry from what he was used to seeing in Switzerland!

I got cold from standing outside, so I went to the motel office for a coffee and danish, put my hair up and contacts in for yoga, and went outside to meet Chrisselda. We had a pleasant ride over to the recreation center and even saw a fox in the field! The sky was unusually cloudy for a Colorado morning. Chrisselda introduced me to the lifeguard and to the yoga teacher, who was also named Wendy! I asked her how much the class was and she thought for a moment and then said, “For you, it’s free since your name is Wendy and because Chrisselda brought you.” My name was bringing me lots of good luck on this hike! And it was lucky that I arrived in town on a Tuesday night so I could attend the Wednesday morning yoga class! I weighed myself in the locker room and discovered that I had already lost a few pounds!

It felt so wonderful to be in a yoga room again, on a pink mat, listening to relaxing music. I couldn’t believe I had found myself here! I did a downward dog before class started, and as I lifted one leg into the air, a few other people in the room said, “wow!”. Eight of us took the class. We started with even breath (increasing the length of each breath), moved on to robin’s breath (something new to me), seated forward fold, and side stretching. Then moved to table top cat/cows, lifted one leg and brought it to the the opposite side, lifted and lowered it, and alternated several times. We then did high plank, downward facing dog to high plank, lowered halfway, upward facing dog, and downward facing dog five times (the second half of a vinyasa). She then pronounced us ready for camel pose, which I was a bit startled by, because that it a pose that should be done at the end of class, after a great deal of opening work. It suddenly made me thankful for my teachers who “smartly” sequence and for the passing of their knowledge to me. We continued with rag doll, warrior one to three and back (twice on each side), and then did splits (another pose we were not prepped for…). She kept calling child’s pose “bakatana” or something like that which always threw me. We did wild thing, turtle pose, side bends in a wide straddle, paschimotadasana, janu sirsana, a spinal twist, and savasana. During the class, Chrisselda would shout out her feelings. “I love you!” she told the teacher as we were doing camel pose. “I love you, too!” the teacher called back. It was amusing for me to hear people talking in a yoga class… Very different from my classes in Boston! Although I found the poses to be a collective hodge-podge, it was evident that the teacher had a lot of heart, and doing yoga always makes you feel good. As class ended, she commented on how wonderful the energy was in the room today. Chrisselda said that “Wendy brought it!” I thanked the teacher and gave her a hug before I left. What a nice experience!

Chrisselda gave me a ride to the post office, where I picked up my first resupply box. Along the way, she pointed out where the breakfast place was. She gave me a hug before parting. My hiker hunger was starting to kick in. I ordered a “mountain scrambler.” Unfortunately, I had an inattentive waitress, and I watched my breakfast sit on the counter for a long time before it was brought to me. (The cook was also getting frustrated about it not being delivered). By the time it was brought to me, it was cold. I thought about ordering some oatmeal after I finished my eggs, but it was 10:00 and I needed to walk back to the motel, get in a shower, pack up all of my stuff, and get out of my room by 11.

I sat outside and sorted through my food, deciding what I wanted to send home and what I wanted to throw away. Lily, the dog of the housekeeper, kept me company.
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I gave the cleaning lady a tip, stashed my pack in the office, and walked back into town to mail my unneeded things home. I ended up getting lost and asked a little Indian girl where the post office was. “Look for the American flag. There’s one in front of every post office,” she told me.

I checked out the lunch options at the Java Moose, but didn’t find anything too appealing, so I headed back to the Burrow. I wanted to eat at one of the outside tables, but they were all taken. Inside, it was extremely crowded, stuffy, and hot. I asked if I could sit outside and was directed to a table occupied by a man. “Do you mind if I join you?” I asked. I ordered a buffalo burger and sweet potato fries and we chatted. He was here on vacation from Texas and intended to go fishing today, but the lake was dry. I told him what I was doing and that I needed to hitch back to the trail in the afternoon. He said that since his plans didn’t work out, he had free time and could drive me to the trail if I was ready! I had wanted to do some writing and order a milkshake, but decided to take him up on his kind offer instead. The trail was 20 miles away and it might not have been easy to find a ride! We stopped by the motel to pick up my pack and headed out. His name was Walt. We talked about hiking and GPS devices, and he pointed out a herd of antelope in a meadow. My first antelope!! I offered him some gas money, but he wouldn’t accept it. He gave me a half hug and I waved goodbye. I needed to put sunscreen on before I could resume my hike. It was now 2 in the afternoon.

Shortly into the hike, I met an older gentlemen who was headed in the opposite direction. His name was Oakley Westfield, but went by Graybeard on the trail. We had a nice chat. He told me there was a guy several hours ahead of me, who was planning to hike about 7 or so more miles to a campground. (“He’s young if that’s an incentive.”) I found it strange that a thruhiker planned to stay at a campground, and he sounded too ambitious and too far ahead for me to catch. I stuck to my own plan. The walk was pleasant- nice forest and nice flowers. I felt happy. I came into an opening after having just taken off my pack for a break, only to realize that I forgot to put my visor on (I hadn’t needed it in the woods). “I don’t want to take my pack off again,” I said aloud and then noticed two people lounging in the grass. “Where are you going?” they asked.
“Durango.”
“Durango? That’s that way,” the man said, pointing to where I had come from.
“No it isn’t. It’s that way,” I said, confidently pointing ahead.
They asked where I started from and were amazed. The man said that there are hardly any men who would do that alone, never mind women. They couldn’t believe that this was my first time in Colorado.
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Later on, a nice girl on a mountain bike, who was headed the opposite way with her big dog stopped to chat with me. “Are you doing the whole thing by yourself?”. She said that she was scared to sleep out here. Her boyfriend makes her bring a gun. She makes her huge dog sleep in the tent with her. I told her that after you get used to it, you come to feel protected out here. She told me that there was a guy only a few miles ahead. “He’s 19. He does 25 miles a day. What you guys are doing is so far!”
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The terrain was fairly easy throughout the afternoon and dotted with nice wildflowers. At mile 4.5, I stopped at a creek to fill up on water.
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I continued on another mile and a half and started to look for a campsite. I didn’t see any, so I continued over the river, where I happily found several spots! There was even a fire ring. Unfortunately, the mosquitoes were out in droves. I set up my tent as the temperature cooled and wind picked up. I tried for quite awhile to make a fire, but only ended up getting a huge blood blister on my thumb. (I’m going to blame in on the wet sticks…) I made a pot of macaroni and cheese but had to keep walking in circles as I ate because the mosquitoes kept trying to bite me. I cleaned up and got in my tent at 6:21pm. It was still light out and I had time to journal. I wish I could have relaxed more in town. Hopefully, I will be able to in Breckenridge! Tomorrow, I have a 2,000 foot, six-mile long climb to 12,000 feet!
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Day 4 of the Colorado Trail

July 24

21.8 miles

The squirrels let me know that it was time to get up again. (I realized that the places that I pick to sleep underneath the protection of pine trees is also the home of territorial squirrels!) The temperature had dropped to 40 degrees. It was cold! I just wanted to stay nestled in my sleeping bag. My sleeping pad was all crumpled up again, and my piece of Tyvek that serves as my groundcloth had slid towards the tree side. I got up at 6, put on all of my clothes, and went out to pee and retrieve my food bag. My granola had frozen, so I just ate a poptart in my sleeping bag. I was on the trail by 7:06, dressed in my fleece pull-over and rain jacket and pants. My fingers were freezing! I didn’t even want to stop and collect water because I was too cold. There had been a creek running alongside the trail (several yards away and not easily accessible), and I had thought I was approaching the headwaters where it would be easier to collect. But all of a sudden, I was descending into the woods! I had no idea how far away the next water source was! Luckily, everything worked out. There was lots of water in the next segment. As I hiked, fond memories of my time spent with my Swiss friend last summer came into my head and made me smile. And, I saw my first bunny of the hike!
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As I continued into the woods, I wondered where the man ahead of me had spent the night. I saw no signs. My body was having a tough time with the climbs today. It just didn’t want to put in the effort, but I kept pushing along. (I had reached an elevation of over 10,000 feet by this point- higher than I had ever been). My goal was to get to Rock Creek at mile 7.3 of this segment. I arrived just after 1 and it was way too hot and early to stop and cook there! It was a pretty area, though. I collected and filtered water and ate part 2 of my lunch- a packet of peanut butter and a snickers bar (earlier I had some beef jerky and trail mix). Then I began another climb. I stopped to chat with a friendly squirrel and then heard 2 people who were headed towards me talking. They weren’t very friendly. They only wanted to know how far away the water was and what it was like. A bit later, an older, more friendly man came along. He asked me how far I was going and I told him I was doing the whole trail. He was very impressed with that, and even more impressed that I was doing it alone. He said that he would never come out here alone and that I was very brave. “Bravery,” he said, pausing and looking into my eyes. “That’s a good thing.” I thanked him and continued on, through meadows, and up smaller hills.
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I estimated that I had hiked 9.1 miles of this segment, but there were no more landmarks until mile 14.9, so I had only the elevation profile to guess where I was. The trees became smaller and the landscape opened up, and for the first time, I could see the Continental Divide in the distance! This was the first open view I was able to see on this trail. It had surprised me how much of it had been in the woods. I came to Colorado for its open, sweeping expanses, and had bin a bit disappointed by the scenery so far.
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I took a small break and continued walking. My plan was to camp a few miles away from the trailhead and hitch into town the next morning, so I could make the best use of a motel room. Then, thunder started to rumble… Sprinkles of rain started falling. And the trail was continuing to climb! I needed to find a place to camp- away from the lightning- but I didn’t see anything. I looked at the elevation profile and estimated that I was at mile 12 of this section. There were 3.1 more miles to the end of this segment. It was now about 3:40. I decided to make a push to the end and hitch the 20 miles into town that evening! There was no point in staying out in another storm, with no good spots to camp. I noticed the beautiful aspen trees and flowers along the last stretch, as I hurried along. Maybe because I was now on a mission and was trying to hike as fast as I could, my awareness of the things I was missing and would have seen if I had taken more time became stronger.
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From the time that I had started planning out this hike, I had been worrying about hitching long distances alone, and as I got closer to the road, I stopped and looked up at the sky, asking the spirits (and my brother) out loud to please deliver me a really nice person at about 5:00 to take me into town. As I continued to walk, I saw the road and heard many trucks whizzing by, which was a good sign for being able to get a ride. I walked on the train tracks after emerging from the woods and made it to the road at 4:45! I had just hiked the first 72.2 miles in 4 days!
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I crossed the highway and asked 2 bikers which direction Fairplay was. “Are you going to walk there?” the man asked me. “No! I’m going to hitch” and I stuck out my thumb as the first car passed by. It didn’t even slow down.
A silver car pulled into the dirt parking area, and 2 women got out of the car. They were clearly tourists, and played around the trail signs, completely ignoring me. I continued to stick my thumb out, but no car would stop. I started to become a bit demoralized. I looked at my watch. It read 4:55. I still had time… Two big trucks slowly came up the hill, heading towards me. I felt a bit scared and put my thumb down. One of the trucks pulled into the parking area and rolled down his window. I walked over to him and he asked where I was going. “Fairplay” I answered.
“Come on in.”
I looked over at the ladies, half hoping that they would finally offer me a ride, but they still didn’t acknowledge me. So, I climbed into the passenger seat, set my pack down, and glanced at my watch. It was 5:00.

Still, I felt a bit wary. There was a bed behind the seats. I hoped he didn’t want anything from me. He asked me if I had ever been in a truck with beds before. Nope…
He turned out to be a very nice man. His name was Ron and he told me that he usually takes another, more direct route to his destination, but tonight, for some reason, he felt compelled to take the more scenic route. He didn’t know why. We talked about the storm that had rolled in last night. He called me a “tough cookie.” And he told me about the time that he picked up three punk teenage girls who were hitchhiking from Florida to get to a concert in Denver on the 4th of July years ago. At this one location, no car would stop for them. Without any camping gear, they spent the night in a meadow next to a highway in the rain. The next morning, Ron drove by and picked them up. They couldn’t thank him enough. Not only was he the first trail angel of my hike- he was simply an angel! He dropped me off at the gas station at the entrance to town, shook my hand, and handed me my pack. I dug out my town map and guidebook pages and determined that one motel was not far ahead. I went in and asked how much a room was. I decided to stay. The man behind the desk asked me what my name was and then said, “I’ve always liked that name!” (Ever since he heard the song from the 60s with my name in it). I asked him for dinner recommendations, went to my room, showered, and then called my sister to wish her an early happy birthday. It was pouring out and I was glad I had chosen to come all the way into town. I was growing hungrier and hungrier while on the phone and told my sister I needed to eat.

I headed across the street to the little barbecue place. I felt SO tired! I ordered a pulled pork sandwich (which was a bit spicy for me) and texted my “friend” back home. He had texted a couple of times and I felt bad about not responding. It was nice to have a bit of company over dinner, even if it was virtual company. The owner of the place was a chatterbox. She guessed that I was a hiker when I pulled my money out of my ziplock bag. I told her that I had just walked 72.2 miles and had 416 to go. “No wonder you are so skinny!” she said. “You walk all the time!”.
“No,” I told her. “It’s from doing yoga. That’s all I did to train for this!”.
“Yoga- I just had class yesterday and will again tomorrow,” she said. “I’m never bitchy after yoga class.”
“I know! Isn’t it the best?”
She told me that they did hip openers yesterday and that she hoped they would do backbends tomorrow. She asked me what my favorite pose was.
I told her I didn’t have a favorite, but that I was excited about going from camel to thunderbolt for the first time on my own a few weeks ago.
“I’m going to ask my teacher if we can do that one!” she said.
She talked about how they did buzzing breath, robin’s breath, and lion’s breath and then said, “You should come to class tomorrow morning!”
The idea made me so happy! I told her I didn’t have yoga clothes with me. (“Stay in the back row and don’t go in front of me!” she responded). “I’ll pick you up at 7:45 right outside the motel.”
I ate my blueberry cobble with cinnamon ice cream, so happy that I decided to eat dinner at this place and so happy that I mentioned doing yoga. Great things were already happening to me. Chrisselda returned with her special rock formed from the tears of the Apache woman that was given to her by a customer who was in the military and who left these rocks in all of the places to which he traveled in the world. She told me about the powerful energy it contained and let me hold it to see for myself.
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I returned to my room, tried calling Laura a second time that day, tried to find my chiropractor’s e-mail to let him know how I was doing, and e-mailed the person in my lab who would be sending my next couple of mail drops to let him know I was already ahead of my planned schedule. I finally went to bed a little after 9, but the pillows were too thick and fluffy and I couldn’t sleep like that! So, I had to lay flat without a pillow. (I also discovered that I already forgot to flush the toilet in my motel room! How quickly you adapt to a different lifestyle…) It rained a little more as I tried to sleep.

Today, I realized that when I hike these long trails, I never feel damaged, inadequate, lacking in anything, or that I am somehow not “good enough” like I often feel in regular life. Out here, I feel strong and confident, without fear, and generally happy. I feel like the brave person that everyone who meets me tells me I am. I feel more like the real me.

Day 3 of the Colorado Trail

July 23

17 miles

I didn’t sleep well again… This time, I made sure to have my head at the top of the slope, but the bigger slant was in the left to right direction, and my sleeping bag kept shifting to that side. My sleeping pad had balled up underneath me again. It was totally useless. And my mind continued to be disturbed by that “friend’s” words from home. It took me two days to fully understand what I already knew to begin with- that a person’s anger always stems from their own behavior and inability to make changes within themselves. The anger that he was projecting on to me was simply a misdirection for what he didn’t like about himself. This has been a long-standing pattern in my life. People who display unhealthy habits are drawn to me and then tear me apart for being who I am. I now understand that I can’t allow these people into my life. It’s so hard for me to give up on people though, especially when I think I can help them.

The chatterings of a squirrel woke me up at 5:45. My period did in fact come (and I was grateful that it waited until I was out of the treeless and waterless section). I ate some granola and a poptart, packed up, and headed out at 6:50. The first three miles passed quickly. My food bag was noticeably lighter. And I found a heart in the middle of the trail that someone had made with rocks! (I imagined that someone ahead had left it for me and was curious about who that person was).
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I crossed Buffalo Creek, put on some sunscreen, and then started a climb. And after eating a power bar by a stream at mile 11.9 in this section, I was finished section 3 by 10am! (The Colorado Trail is divided into 28 segments of different lengths, split by trailheads where the trail can be accessed. Many people hike it section by section). A third of a mile into section 4, I headed towards some campers lounging in camp chairs. When a thru-hiker comes across a scene like this, the first thing that comes into our minds is trail magic! But these people didn’t even say hi to me, much less offer me any food or drink. And two barking dogs started running directly at me! I made my way around them and turned back onto the trail, thankful to be alone again. I was starting to feel tired and my spirits were dragging a bit. I found an embankment covered with pine needles and sat down for a rest. I turned on my iphone and was greatly surprised to find that I had reception! I didn’t have any texts or voicemails, but reading facebook updates and having a connection to people I knew from home gave me a little morale boost. I left a voicemail with Laura, letting her know how I was doing, texted my friend in Switzerland, sent Erik an e-mail, and resumed walking.

It began to rain around 11:25, but I decided not to put on my rain jacket. It only lasted 20 minutes. Just after noon, after hiking 4.6 miles into the segment, I found a place with the nicest running water yet to stop and have lunch. It was in the woods and the bugs were out, so I had to apply repellent first. My mood was finally beginning to improve! I snacked, put on sunscreen, filtered water, and looked at my guidebook pages, and then headed back out at 1pm. I climbed and climbed up the next section. At first, it reminded me of the beginning of the trail up Mount Washington, and then turned into forest. As I took my pack off for a break, I saw a female hiker headed towards me. I told her she was the first person I had seen all day. (I was the third person she had seen. Apparently, there were 2 men ahead of me). She was hiking the trail the opposite way I was, and I congratulated her on her near finish. We asked each other about the water availability ahead of us, and continued on.

Around 2:45, it began to rain again. I eventually put my rain jacket on, hopped over a tree, and continued on through a large meadow, dotted with yellow flowers. I finally felt like I was in Colorado! (I had known since I was in college that Colorado was a place I had wanted to go, but this was my first time I had actually made it out here!).
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I walked over a mile in the rain, and then started to get tired again. I also had to pee. I found a couple of large trees with dry pine needles underneath, so I put my pack down and took a break there. I looked out in the direction I would be going and saw the rain coming down. And then, I looked back towards where I had just come from, and saw no rain in the air! I was standing right on the rain line! Incredible! I left the protection of the tree and continued through the meadow. Looking up towards my right, I saw a man setting up camp, but he did not see me. The rain had stopped and it was now hot out. I felt tired and found a nice flat rock to eat a power bar on. I decided to lie back on the rock and rest for awhile (something I rarely give myself permission to do). The sun was bright and I needed to shade my eyes with my hands. Within a couple of minutes, clouds began to move across the sky. More and more clouds moved in, filling up the sky, and the temperature immediately got cooler. A storm was coming and I needed to find a place to set up my tent! Thunder began to rumble. Most of the area was covered with thick plants and rocks and my eyes scanned the landscape for a flat area. I was also looking for a place where I could collect water. I found a small, exposed clearing on the side of the trail, but decided to press on. To my right, up a slope, I saw a stand of pine trees and decided I could camp underneath them. So I veered off the trail, headed for the trees, and dug my tent out of my pack. I had a hard time staking the tent because the ground was so hard! I looked around for some rocks that I could use to pound in the stakes and came across a campfire ring and the skeleton of a large animal! This was an actual campsite that I had found! By 4:30, I managed to get everything inside my tent and I stayed there for the next 2 hours, as the storm came in. At first, there was sprinkling rain and lightening in the distance. Then the wind picked up and the thunder grew louder. The temperature dropped from 80 degrees to 70 to 50! I put on my fleece pull-over and my rain clothes and got into my sleeping bag, fading in and out of sleep while lightening flashed all around me! I was weathering my first Colorado storm! Eventually, it passed, and I emerged from my tent to cook some mac and cheese. I added salmon for more protein, but the whole meal was cold and disgusting! The processed cheese remained hard and clumpy, and I just couldn’t stomach the taste. As I crawled into my sleeping bag for the night, I realized that I had hiked 50 miles of the trail so far- already 10% of it!
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My camp companion!

My camp companion!

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Day 2 of the Colorado Trail

16.6 miles

It was a tough night of trying to sleep, as I was set up on a slope, with my head downhill! Everything ended up in that corner, and my sleeping pad (the thinnest possible piece of foam) crumpled up underneath me and felt like a rock. I woke up hot (which felt unusual for sleeping outside, but I guess I had never slept in such a warm climate before). I got up at 5:15, ate a poptart and a little granola, drank some water, and got ready. I crossed over the river for the final time, set my pack down and collected and filtered a bit more water, which was so much colder than the evening before! It was 60 degrees and I wore my fleece jacket and rain gear for warmth. As I climbed the switchbacks, I quickly became warm and had to take off my layers. I could already see the sun shining on the exposed areas above me. I put on sunscreen and prepared myself for the shadeless section. It would be my first time in a desert-like environment, and I appreciated the preview for my PCT hike. Although the trees had burned down, desert plants and flowers were blooming and provided interest along this section.
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I had to stop every half hour to take my pack off my shoulders and give them a rest, just as I had done on the AT. At 8:45, as I was trying to photograph an orange flower (this new camera I bought for the trip was doing a poor job of taking close-ups!), Dave caught up to me. He didn’t manage to wake up as early as he had wanted and left at 6:45. I saw some bones that someone had displayed on a tree and tried to take a couple of pictures. (I never feel comfortable taking photographs when hiking with people because they also seem to want to keep moving).
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After 30 minutes, I again had to take off my pack (this is also hard for other people to understand, as it only seems to happen to me!). I wished I could be hiking alone, where no one could hear my labored breathing, and where I could stop and rest and take pictures when I needed to. Dave wanted to find a nice place to take a snack break, and I finally found a suitable area after desperately needing to take my pack off again. Since I had already snacked and knew I needed to stop frequently, I wanted to continue. I told him that I was going to go on, but that he would surely catch me quickly. (He did not!). I walked through a short section of forest that managed to escape the fire, and then continued through more burnt areas. When I came to a large rock, I felt so grateful for a piece of shade! You quickly appreciate the smallest things when out in the elements all day long. The temperature had climbed to 91 degrees. My feet started to drag, my pack weighed heavily on my shoulders, and I felt worn out. Cyclists raced past me, and I saw two people on horseback, but I saw no other backpackers other than Dave. I wondered when this burn section of 11.5 miles would end.
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Finally, I reached the road, signally the turn off to the fire station where there was emergency water. It’s always hard to walk non-trail miles, psychologically, but this water was necessary. This was the driest year in Colorado since World War 2. It took me some time to find the spicket, but I eventually found it, filled my water bladders, and slowly headed back to my pack. As I neared the end of this segment, a cyclist stopped to ask me how I was doing. I told him I was fine (but I really felt extremely tired and lethargic). I made it to the trailhead and found him seated on a bench, eating a banana. He was a nice, obviously athletic guy, and told me what he knew about the section ahead. He said the next water source was between 6 and 10 miles from here. (I had hoped to hike no more than 5 more miles, so this news felt devastating to me!). “Do you have enough water?” he asked. Yes. I’m fine. I told him pack was too heavy. He cheerfully replied that it would get lighter each day, but all I could think about was how heavy it would be for the 105 mile section ahead of me that I had to do with no re-supply. (The weight of my pack in the 100 mile wilderness at the end of the AT almost did me in!).
I used the outhouse and sat down under a tree to eat my lunch. It was noon. About 40 minutes later, Dave came along and joined me. His parents were coming to meet him to deliver more food and take away his trash (another reason why his pack was so light!). He was planning on hiking to Breckenridge, but decided, after talking to his girlfriend who he was having problems with, that he would go home with his parents and end his hike. He said I could stay and wait for them, but I still had many more miles to hike and I wanted to move on. But he seemed to enjoy my company and wanted me to wait with him. His parents finally arrived, he told them his news, and they offered to top off my water bottles. They asked me how I was coping with the altitude, and we talked about the beetle destruction of the trees along the trail. And then I continued on.
The morning miles had been much steeper than the profiles suggested, but luckily, the afternoon miles were a little more forgiving. Still, I was tired, and my pack was simply too heavy. I stopped every 25 minutes to take the weight off of my shoulders. At 3:30, raindrops began to fall. I took off my pack, and put on my rain clothes and pack cover, realizing that it hadn’t rained at all my first day! (I had heard to expect rain and lightening each afternoon). Then, the rain stopped. I found a place to camp at 3:50- next to a small creek, and set-up my tent. As soon as I had it set-up, it started raining! Perfect timing! Luckily, it was only light rain. I put all of my gear inside my tent and lied down until 5pm. Then I got up, tried to collect water in my pot (was only able to collect a little), filtered the water, and cooked my Thai noodles. I cleaned up and crawled into my tent at 6:30! It seemed so early compared to my AT nights! The squirrels were chattering loudly. I guess they had a nest in the tree behind me and didn’t appreciate me being in their territory! My left eye was watering like crazy, the backs of my legs had gotten sunburnt, as well as the inside of my right leg, and my knees were hurting. The right one (where my leg bones crunch together on the outside of my knee and cause a lot of pain) was especially stiff. (And I had no Arnica to help soothe them). It felt like my period was about to begin. And I felt lonely (which is not something that usually happens when I am in the woods). I wished the nice, young couple was nearby to keep me company. I tried to drift off to sleep as the thunder rumbled in the distance.
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Day 1 of the Colorado Trail

July 21

Day 1
(16.8 miles)

I got up at 6 am, dressed, and went for a brief walk looking for something to eat for breakfast. I found nothing. I had called a taxi company the night before and asked them to pick me up at 7. I packed up, drank some water, and went outside to wait for the taxi amid throngs of Mexicans getting on and off of a bus in front of the hostel. My pack was gigantic! I waited and waited on the street corner, looking at my watch every couple of minutes and no taxi came. Finally, I called the company again. It finally arrived and the driver started the meter before I even put my pack in! He had no idea where I wanted to go and made me give him directions. I gave him my maps and read him the directions that I had copied. Finally, he started the cab, first turning the wrong way onto a one-way street… We had to turn around. The meter was rapidly rising and we hadn’t yet made it away from the hostel! By the time we got on the highway, I started panicking about how much this ride was going to cost me! (I thought it was going to approach the cost of my flight from Boston to Denver!) I told him that I thought I needed to get out and find some kind of public transportation (the trailhead was about 35 miles out of Denver). I asked if he could do a flat rate. “No,” he responded. He asked me how much money I had. I told him I couldn’t afford more than $80. He agreed to take me for $80 (although he still didn’t understand where I wanted to go…). After a great deal of tension and worry, we finally arrived at the parking lot at 8:03. Although I had been trying to tell him that we were going to a recreational area, a trailhead where I would start hiking in the mountains, he wondered what I was doing here. “Where are you going? he asked. I said, “Durango.”
“Durango?! That’s far away! Do you want a ride?”
“No! I want to walk there!”
“You’re going to sleep in the mountains? Do you have a tent in there? No wonder you are so skinny! You walk all of the time.”
I told him that I was skinny because I do yoga…
He was incredulous. “I am amaze-ing” he said in his broken english. Yes, you are…
Suddenly filled with wonder, he started looking around the front seat for a water bottle to help me out, but didn’t find one.
I thanked him, bid him goodbye, and walked over to the trailhead sign to take a picture of the beginning of my journey.
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I realized that I had forgotten to put sunscreen in my hipbelt pockets, so after having already put on my pack and taken if off several times for pictures, I had to take off my pack once again, put on the sunscreen, and put it back on again.
At 8:30, I was finally ready to begin walking. Not having walked in a very long time, I had no conception of distance- no conception of how far a mile was. My pack was heavy and the day was hot. The first six miles was a relatively flat track that was heavily used by runners and cyclists. I was the only backpacker and I stuck out. For some reason, my pack was filled so high that it reached the back of my head, which was both uncomfortable and embarrassing. When I realized that I hadn’t placed my guidebook pages in my pocket, either, I had to stop and dig them out. Start and stop. Start and stop. As I walked, the pack dug into my shoulders and weighed heavily on my back. I yearned to throw it off and start running like the weekenders who were out. That seemed like a much more freeing idea than carrying this heavy burden. I had thought that as soon as I began this hike, that all of my daily cares would instantly slip away, but instead, I was consumed with the confusion and hurt of the things my new “friend” had texted me. Why would he say those things? I was both physically and mentally uncomfortable. The sun beat down on me, my water turned luke warm, and my chocolate melted. I know understood what the caretaker who I met in the Smokies on the AT meant when he told me that his water would turn to the temperature of tea every day while hiking on the PCT because it was so hot.

The one thing that made me happy, was seeing the bighorn sheep that reside in that first section! Several of them were standing alongside the path, unafraid of the people passing by. I looked up at the rock cliffs and saw more of them! And then, after standing there, taking pictures of them, I saw some of the babies! I was so happy! I could have stayed there all day looking at these animals, but I had to move on. (A backpacker walked by during that time, but did not acknowledge me).
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When I finally reached the dam, I knew I had completed the first 6.2 miles, and I felt my first sense of accomplishment. It was 11:14. Just ahead, I saw the two backpackers who I saw starting the trail just as I arrived at the parking lot. They were planning to hike to Breckenridge in six days
9105 miles) and hoped to hike 16.8 miles that day to get to the river. I had only planned to hike 8.9 miles (or 12.6 at the most). An AT hiker I knew that had hiked this trail last year, recommended that I spent the night at Bear Creek, where there was plenty of water, to get acclimated to the altitude. I told the two men that I had done no training at all for this hike- that I had only done yoga! (And then realized that it was obvious that I was actually in much better shape then them…I felt a bit bad about saying that). I moved on, wondering if it might actually be possible for me to hike 16.8 miles as well.
I climbed up the next section and crossed over a bit of muck, only to realize that this was Bear Creek! In no way did my imagination of this place match reality! (The way Wolverine described it made me think I would be camping in a beautiful open meadow, looking over an alpine lake!). I turned back, tried to collect some water from the muck (quickly learning that shallow stagnant water does not flow at all into collapsible water bags), and continued on. There was no reason to stay there. After the creek, the hike became harder. The uphill was steep, I was tired, and my pack was hurting. It was too heavy. I had brought too much food for this first section. My spirits sunk, but I pressed on. I made it to the “dry campsite” at mile 11.8 and continued on to the campsites at mile 12.6. A woman who was hiking a section in the opposite direction was taking a break, and asked me how far I was headed. She encouraged me not to overdo it, and told me stories of hikers who got such bad blisters that they had to end their hike. I continued on the next 4.2 miles to the river, arriving at 4:50! I met a hiker heading the opposite direction who asked. “Are you the girl I saw taking pictures of the sheep?” Confused as to how someone hiking the other way could have seen me early on, I finally realized that he had just collected water and was coming back to set up his campsite (thru-hikers never like going backwards!). He asked me if I had hiked any of the other long trails, and I told him that I had hiked the AT. He then rolled up his shirt sleeve to reveal his tatoo of the AT symbol. He had hiked it in ’08.
I went down to the river and asked some people if they knew where I could camp (camping by the river wasn’t allowed). They said they were going to a campsite 11 miles away and could give me a ride. Eleven miles away?! No, no, no… I just hiked 16.8 miles and have to get up early to start the burn section! I need a place right here! I crossed the river, found a bank to collect water, and met a nice young couple who were finishing filtering their water for the night. They had hiked the 16.8 miles in 2 days and were turning around the next day to hike back to their car. When they found out that I flew out here from Massachusetts, they were completely amazed. “You flew all the way out here just to hike this trail?”. They thought it was incredible that I hiked the 16.8 miles in a day (“You’re fast!”) and were blown away that I hiked the AT for nearly six months. I think I activated their imaginations and they were nice company for me.

I headed back across the river with them to find a campsite, and took the first available mound. “This will do just fine”. They hiked back further to set up their camp. It felt like being in an outside motel- three of us in the same vicinity, but each having our own private areas. It was a nice, comforting set-up. I went back to collect more water, made my first dinner with my new canister stove (mac and cheese) and was visited once more by Dave, the AT thru-hiker, who passed by on his way to get more water. “How was dinner?”, he asked. He wanted to know if I had any duct tape that he could cover his blisters with, so I gave him some. (I started to realize why his pack was pack that he was boasting about was so light…) He asked know how far I planned on hiking the next day and when I planned on starting. We both wanted to get up early because the next section had no shade and no water. A forest fire in the 90s had burned down all of the trees.

I hung my heavy Ursack food bag on a tree and crawled into my new tent, surprised that it was still light out. My shoulders, backs, and hips were sore, and I was sunburnt on my arms. But I had hiked more miles than I expected to, I saw the bighorn sheep that I had hoped to see, and I made it past the section where bears had reportedly stolen the food from several hikers in the past few weeks! And most importantly, I was finally a thru-hiker once again.
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An unsettled beginning…

July 20, 2012

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After only four hours of sleep, I woke up at 4 in the morning to shower, eat, and catch the early train to Boston to make my way to the airport. Instead of taking my last few hours at home to prepare my backpack the night before, I chose to spend a bit of time with an old acquaintance that I had just recently re-met. He had promised that he would see me before I left for my hike, but did not fulfill his words. Because I had had the expectation in my head for weeks, I didn’t feel complete without the time with him, so I didn’t get on the 8:30pm train home and stayed in Boston instead. My acquaintance was extremely distant during this time, so it wasn’t a pleasant couple of hours, but the mission was fulfilled. On the train ride to the airport the next morning, I regretfully realized that I had forgotten my headphones (with the microphone for an occasional Skype call). And then I realized I had also forgotten my tweezers, a pen, Arnica for muscle pain, gum, ibruprofen (my period was about to begin! What was I going to do without ibruprofen?!), and the english muffins and bagels that I was keeping in my freezer. Oh, dear… I should have taken the proper time to pack. That would have been the better way to spend those last couple of hours…

My flight was delayed and I wished I could have taken a later train in order to have had a little more sleep or packing time. During the flight, I was seated next to a man who was reading a mountaineering guide. This was the first time I had ever sat next to someone where it was apparent we had something in common! He was headed to climb the Tetons- real technical climbing. I would just be walking. He was jealous that I would be out for five weeks, though. Although I tried to empty my bladder several times before boarding the plane so as not to make my neighbors have to get up, it only took a half an hour into the flight before I really had to go again! Apologizing, I excused myself. My neighbors unbuckled their seatbelts in turn and stood up to let my by. I walked down the aisle to the rear of the plane to find the toilet occupied. As I waited, the flight attendant at the front of the cabin jumped on the loudspeaker and called out, “Passengers standing in the aisles- immediately go back to your seats! You are putting yourselves and your fellow passengers in danger in the turbulence!”. I looked back at my seatmates and saw them staring back at me. With my hand on my forehead, I looked down at the floor and sheepishly made my way back to my row. (Why do I always get in trouble for the most innocuous things?) My seatmates unbuckled their seatbelts and stood up again to let me back in, all unnecessarily. A couple of minutes later, the seatbelt sign went off and they stood up again to let me out without even asking. I spend most of the remaining time on the flight asleep.

As we arrived and waited to de-board, the man in the row behind me pointed to the seatbelt sign and said, “It’s off. You can get up.” Thanks…

After picking up my monstrous pack (“don’t mind me everyone”), I eventually found my way onto the bus into Denver. I needed to pick up a canister of fuel for my stove, as well as a lighter, both of which are not allowed on planes. And so, I had to spend the night in the city at a hostel. I was surprised to see the flat, brown, desolate landscape. Where were the mountains I would be climbing? I wanted to see the mountains like I could see when I flew into Switzerland! As I emerged onto street level from the bus station, the sunlight immediately burned my eyes. I suppose it was the dry air. They watered and watered and turned red and I wondered how I would be able to hike like this. (This was one reason why hiking the PCT worried me… I had damaged my eyes on the AT and every day now, they water and are very susceptible to dry air and wind). I put on my backpack and began to walk along the hot shadeless city streets in search of the hostel. It was far away… A girl pointed to me, calling out to her friend, “Hey. Look at her! It looks like she is carrying her house on her back.” In fact, I was. The hostel was not air-conditioned. This was one of the hottest and driest summers on record. Many people were complaining in the city. After setting my pack down, I walked back into town, finding a Walgreens to buy a bottle of ibruprofen, and then hopped on a bus that would bring me closer to REI. A man asked me if I knew what time it was. I told him and after mumbling something, he asked me if I worked here (dressed in my hiking clothes, carrying my smaller stuffsack as a purse, I really stood out…). “No,” I told him. “I just flew in from Boston. Tomorrow, I am going to start hiking from here to Durango.”
“Where?” he exclaimed. “Oh, that’s a long way! 3 1/2-4 hours.” I told him that it was 486 miles and that it would take 5 weeks. “Are you an athlete?” he asked. “No,” I answered. “I’m just a regular person.” He told me that he once had a teacher who wanted to climb K2. He subsequently did some research and discovered that many people had lost their lives trying to climb that mountain. The following day, he asked her why she would want to do that. She answered that it was what she desired. It was what made her happy. Too many people don’t do the things that make them happy. Even if she died trying, it would be worth it. I told him that is why I hike long trails. “What will you do when you are finished?” he asked. I told him that next year, I would walk the PCT from the border of Mexico to the border of Canada. “Wow! You walk full-time! You ARE an athlete! That requires training and discipline and dedication.” I thanked him. The bus doors opened and he stepped off. I remained where was I was, smiling and waving goodbye to him. He kept looking at me… “Aren’t you getting of?”
“Oh, is this the last stop? Then I guess I am!” I walked with him for awhile, not having any idea which direction the REI was.
“I’m Calvin. What’s your name?”.
“Wendy”.
A smile spread over his face. “Wendy? That’s a nice walking name!” He thought for a bit. “Maybe you will meet some people who are headed in the same direction”, he continued, “and hopefully”, he added, “they’ll be genuine people.” (It was almost if he knew about my troubles on the Appalachian Trail…). He told me that he was finished with the active part of his life and that now his life revolves around work and school. He asked me if I had a partner, and when I told him no, he commented that that wouldn’t bring me happiness. “The guy would expect you to stay home, push out babies, and walk them in a stroller. That’s all the walking you’d be doing!”. He said that I should do the trails now- when I’m young. He then asked if I would be coming back to Colorado. He said he wouldn’t be able to walk far with me- maybe just from the bus stop, but that he would enjoy “conversating.” I stopped to check my GPS to point me in the right direction and we headed our separate ways. “I’d like to stay in touch” he said. Calvin- my first companion in Colorado.

I made my way to REI, bought my fuel, sat down for a snack and coffee at Starbucks and texted my acquaintance back home to tell him my new story. It was Friday evening in Boston, and he was drinking. What started as a friendly chat suddenly turned 180 degrees. On a dime, I was being railed into. My smile turned to tears and confusion. What just happened? I packed up and headed back into town to buy a pen and a lighter and find some dinner. I called my friend, Laura, still crying, hoping for some reassurance. She didn’t answer, so I left a message. But she didn’t call back. Another friend had urged me to eat at a Mexican restaurant while in Denver. I asked the cashier for a recommendation. The restaurant had loud music blaring, the food was awful, and my tears wouldn’t stop. I was alone in a city that I had no desire to be in, and couldn’t understand why a friend would say such harsh things to me when all I do is try to be supportive. I headed back to the hostel for a night of hot, restless sleep. This is not how I expected my journey to have begun…

Colorado Bound

The winter months have always been hard for me. The extreme cold, the snow, the lack of sunlight, the lack of fresh air, and especially the holidays, reminding me that I have no family, take their toll on me. The winter of 2011-2012 was an especially difficult one, both emotionally and physically. In November, the person I loved told me he did not want to be in a relationship with me and suggested we take a long break from communicating. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday alone -again. In January, I became sick with repeated sinus infections (on top of the one that I live with every day as a result of a mishap in the jaw surgery I had in 2006). In addition, my right Eustachian tube closed and would not open for months. I tried both traditional medicine approaches as well as holistic ones, but neither brought any relief. Something was very wrong and I didn’t know what to do about it. My body was also unraveling. I had torn my right groin practicing yoga nearly a year ago and sought the help of a deep tissue body worker to try to heal the muscle. However, this work not only did not help my problem, but caused a series of old and new injuries to appear in the same side of my body, culminating in a swollen, blown-up knee. I was beside myself. I couldn’t find a single positive though to grasp onto. These were the months after I completed my yoga teacher training, and the tears and pain that were opened and released in those weeks continued to flow nearly every day. When would the sadness subside?

In April, with the thought of wanting to backpack a 500 mile trail in Colorado during the summer in the back of my head, I found myself on a physical therapist’s table, her metal tool scraping my injured knee. How would I be able to hike 20 mile days with a thirty-something pound backpack up and down mountains when I couldn’t even walk down the street without pain? I found my way to a chiropractor and he began to gently work on my injuries, my crooked spine, and my nervous system.

In June, the manager of my lab decided to quit her job and my boss took the opportunity to downsize the number of his employees due to constant budget issues. Instead of having a technician, he would only have one employee working for him, other than the graduate students and post doctorate fellows. He offered me the position of lab manager with the stipulation that I would have to work longer and stricter hours with virtually no compensation in pay. I had been having a difficult time in the lab for many, many years, and this “offer” felt more like a prison sentence to me than anything else. My body was giving me clear signals that I needed to leave. While it felt scary to lose the security of a paycheck and benefits, this loss also opened up the door for me to go on the backpacking trips that had been in my mind since I hiked the Appalachian Trail. If I took over the lab manager position in early July, I’m sure my boss would not appreciate me leaving the lab for 5 weeks, and I am certain that he would not let me take six months off to hike the Pacific Crest Trail. I had to leave. I needed to be in nature again. I needed to go where my heart was happy.

Despite the forest fires that were engulfing several areas of the state, despite not having trained in any capacity for hiking up and down mountains with a heavy pack, despite not having anyone to hike with to provide safety while hitchhiking or traversing the open summits with daily threats of lightening, I bought some food for my journey, a new stove that met the fire regulation requirements, a tent that I would test out for the PCT, packed up 8 resupply boxes, and flew out to Denver.

Over the course of the next five weeks, I would come to understand that hiking this trail wasn’t just something that I had wanted to do for the past three years. It was something that I needed to do. I needed to find out who I really was again. I needed to re-set myself and find my inner strength. I needed to get myself out of a place of fear. I was reminded that what you need is always out there, waiting for you. I was reminded that when you stay true to yourself and your purpose, and step through the struggles in your path, you will set yourself free. I was reminded to believe in the goodness of people. And I was reminded to keep my heart open and trust.

The following entries are some of my stories from my time on the Colorado Trail.

The Power of Love

I had the opportunity to take a mentorship this past January and February with the yoga teacher whose classes I have learned the most from, alongside 9 other women. We met on four Saturdays for 5 hours each. Most of us were hoping to learn some of the incredible assists that Georgia gives, as well as what goes into the designs of her creative and very intentional classes. On the first (very cold) morning that we met, Georgia lead us through the primary series Ashtanga class, which was how she began her own yoga practice (and why she has such an an amazing knowledge of alignment). It was my first experience with Ashtanga yoga- a very strict, disciplined, and challenging style. While I am thankful for the variety of postures and flows that I receive from the classes that I take, I can see the benefits of incorporating a set routine to practice challenging poses and transitions more frequently. After taking some time to write our thoughts on the class, we gathered for introductions, and were then split into two groups. Georgia informed us that each person in the first group would be teaching a 3 pose sequence (based on something inspired by the Ashtanga class we just took), and the people in the second group would be given a pose to cue and assist. Not expecting to have to get up and teach one another (at least not so soon), feelings of nervousness and uneasiness pervaded the air. Having to teach or adjust other teachers or practioners who have more experience than I do is uncomfortable enough, but, as I was reminded, cuing a pose in the middle of a class is an even more ungrounding experience for me. I left the day feeling awful about how I presented myself and kept thinking that everyone else must be wondering how I could possibly be teaching. It seemed like many of us were feeling similarly because instead of forming bonds with each other, I sensed an even greater degree of separation among us than before this first session together.

In the three weeks before our next meeting, Georgia assigned us to watch Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability and write a response on how the ideas she puts forth in the video might inspire our practice and/ or teaching. The following Saturday, we met again, easing into the morning with meditation, and then taking a more typical “Georgia-style” class. We knew that we would have to stand in front of everyone and teach to the group again later in the morning, but for now, we were safe, alone on our mats, and in our comfort zones. We wrote our thoughts on our experience of the class, and then gathered together to discuss our responses to Brene Brown’s talk. I found the different responses to be interesting and thought-provoking, and the topic of our discussion- that happy, fulfilled people allow themselves to be vulnerable, seen fully in all of their imperfections, and live with a whole, open heart- allowed us to connect with each other on a much deeper level than when we had simply introduced ourselves and stated why we were here. We revealed meaningful things about our lives, talked about our insecurities, and shared places in our lives where we have a hard time being vulnerable. We started to relax and open ourselves to one another, and by the time we left the studio, I think most of us were filled with inspiration and gratitude. (And Georgia had changed our teaching assignments to take off some of the pressure that we were feeling the first day!).

By the third meeting (a week later), we were starting to feel more comfortable with each other, and concentrated on practicing assists on one another in various poses. Assisting requires a good eye and intuition, in addition to knowledge of correct alignment, as well as a comfort level in firmly touching another person. It is a skill that requires a lot of practice. (More than anything, I was reminded of how difficult teaching yoga is on that first day that we met. A good teacher comes up with new inspiring classes each time, has to practice the flow on her own, memorize it, be able to change it to adapt to the students needs on that particular day, be able to cue the poses well, be able to demonstrate the poses well, be able to mirror the students (cuing lefts and rights without mirroring is challenging enough!), observe the students, walk around and adjust their poses, find good music and make playlists, find good readings for the end of class, know the Sanskrit terms for the poses, and on and on!).

In our final meeting together, on a day that we were moved from one space to another in the studio because it had been overbooked, we practiced together and then (in a small closet-kind of room in the back of the studio), we had a discussion on ahimsa (non-harming). Many of us are very good at treating others with kindness, but have a more difficult time treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, especially in a world where we are constantly being bombarded with messages that we are not good enough the way we are. In talking about ways that we could practice ahimsa, we were reminded that we can not actually be kind to others without first being kind to ourselves. We need to learn to be honest with ourselves about what we need and how we can best care for ourselves, and then express those needs in an honest and compassionate way to those who we interact with. After our discussion, we moved back into the room where we first gathered nearly two months ago to teach and assist each other for one final time in a series of poses that we were inspired to deliver in the moment. Half of us were assigned to assist while the others practiced and rotated with one person teaching, and then we switched roles. Those of us who began with assisting, at first rather sparingly and timidly, adjusted a few of the poses that were being offered by the teacher. But as Georgia came to the front of the room to show us what she would do on the person teaching, we realized that we can have our hands on our student most of the time- not simply to help them align themselves in certain postures, but to offer them love and give them massages in times they were not moving. Our focus quickly began to shift into taking care of each other, rather than worrying about what we should be doing- or if what we were doing was “right”. Although most of us still felt very nervous standing on the teacher’s mat (all attention singularly focused on this person with great expectation- a ripe place for insecurities to loom), the feeling of love and support in the room helped to ease the feeling of pressure. By the end of our collective class, we enjoyed restorative, relaxing postures, and received caring massages from the person assisting. The final woman to teach talked us through two long restful poses. The first was side bends over a bolster. I was taken such good care of by a woman who, many times throughout the mentorship, expressed her wish to be softer around her students and her own children. And yet, in the few minutes that she paired with me, I experienced more nurturing from her than almost anyone in my life. She didn’t need to find any softness- it was clearly already fully there. When it was time to shift to a second pose over a folded blanket, Georgia wanted us to switch roles so the assister could experience what we were just given. She wanted everyone to get an equal opportunity to receive love. The woman who was working on me immediately looked at me and said, “Oh, Wendy. I’m so sorry. I really wanted to do this for you.” Those words, feeling, and intention in those few seconds meant more than I can possibly express. She knew that I was not loved and nurtured as a child (or even an adult), and had received very few opportunities to be taken care of like that. I wanted her to continue attending to me as much as she wanted to provide the care (which was a feeling that even surprised me) , but we switched roles as we were told, and I tried to take the best care of her that I could instead.

We gathered together one last time for a few remaining words, most of which we were not able to express. We had just demonstrated that all you need to do to connect with someone is to show your love, to give love, and to be able to openly receive love. It’s so easy to close one’s heart in order to protect it from getting hurt, and it is so easy to focus on one’s insecurities and perceptions of lack. But in that hour, we demonstrated so clearly that we are all enough, exactly as we are, that we lack nothing, that we have so much kindness and goodness to give, that simply by staying by someone’s side is so healing, and that the power of touch is so much greater than any words we could ever say. We are all made of love. We all have it. We just need to strip away our fears, our insecurities, and our self-doubt and allow what is already there to shine through, extending ourselves to one another. Love, not knowledge, is the greatest gift you can give. It is always available and so amazingly powerful.

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(P.S. Three days later, thanks to Georgia’s cues, I was finally able to do a pose that I had been trying with only marginal success for two years (galavasana)! I had written to Georgia about it being one of my challenge poses, and Georgia told me after I did it that that was her intention for me! Intentions really do work!!)

PCT planning!

The month of February has flown by and I don’t know what happened to all of the extra time I was supposed to have without work! I am still commuting into Boston on many days, which is time consuming in itself. To take a 90 minute yoga class, it takes a total of 5 hours of time to commute by train. Therefore, the number of yoga classes I attended at my studio drastically declined this past month, which was upsetting to me. I didn’t succeed in either creating a daily writing practice or a home yoga practice, and the fact that I was failing at my goals was adding even more stress to my life. It was also stressful to be asked by people how my PCT planning was coming along, because I really hadn’t started it and time was just marching by! My energy was scattered in all different directions without a routine schedule. I had doctor appointments to go to before my health insurance ran out, I was taking part in a yoga mentorship, I no longer had access to a printer and needed help printing my permit applications for the PCT as well as the trail notes that were not available when I was finishing my job, I was trying to fit my last chiropractor appointments in between a noontime yoga class, quick lunch at Whole Foods, and my yoga class that I teach, and I was just really tired. There was so much of life and chores that I needed to catch up on, and I just couldn’t find time to do the things that I had hoped to do. I wish there were three different versions of me: one to stay home and rest and write, one to go to at least 2 yoga classes a day, and one to plan my PCT trip!

At the moment, I am knee deep in ordering supplies for the PCT. I have spent countless hours in front of my laptop, researching gear, looking for the best price, and placing orders. Every item that we carry in our packs needs to be carefully thought out. Our base pack weight for the PCT must be as low as possible in order to hike the miles per day that are required in order to finish before winter arrives in Washington (sometimes up to 30 miles a day- something I have never done before). For every piece of gear that we carry, there are multiple options. Should I take an alcohol stove like I did on the AT or a stove that I can shut off and that requires canister fuel like I used on the Colorado Trail (due to the forest fire rules). And how available is the kind of fuel that I will need along the way? What kind of system should I use to purify water? (A filter, bleach, Aquamira, etc). What kind of water bottles will I need for the system I choose? What kind of tent should I bring? The tent that I bought for the Colorado Trail was meant to be used as a test for the PCT. It worked well for me on that trip (for the most part), but I had not thought about the problem of the mesh bottom freezing to snow while camping in the Sierras… What kind of sleeping pad should I use and how bulky and heavy is it? A lot of my AT gear has worn out. I realized this past rainy Wednesday that my rain jacket that I bought in Vermont on my AT hike is no longer waterproof in certain parts… I needed a new sleeping bag, a new down jacket, tent stakes for sand and snow, an outfit for desert hiking, a desert umbrella (there will be no shade for the first 700 miles of the hike), lots and lots of socks (the sand chews up socks… I will need to replace the three pairs that I will rotate at least once every 2 weeks), 6 pairs of insoles, 6 pairs of trail runners, an ice axe for the Sierras, a bear canister that is required for holding our food in the Sierras (an additional 3 pounds and too much pack space!), a whole lot of 2 ounce sunscreens, toilet paper, contact lens solution, deet, wet wipes, first aid items, and on and on…And then there is food…. Breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and snacks- for over 5 months! So many calories to be replenished, and in the most light weight manner possible! This is a lot of food to pre-plan, order, and re-package! And I’ve heard that you will eat far more on the PCT per day than on the AT!

And then there is compiling a list of stops I will make along the trail to pick up the food that I pre-packaged, estimate the number of days it will take to hike between the stops, figure out how to get there (is it a long, hard hitch?), and what is available at each of these places. Then I will have to separate my maps and trail notes and town notes into sections and place them in the right boxes with my food and supplies for those sections. When there is time, there is also reading bits of past hikers journals so that I can take in as much information as possible about what lies ahead for me. I still need to buy my plane ticket to California (I tried to buy it last Monday, but realized the day was not a smart choice, and then watched the price rise by over $100 over the next 2 days…).

The good news is that I am a lot less worried about planning this hike than I was my AT hike, because of my Colorado Trail experience. I did not research that hike very much or do any specific training for it and I was just fine! (Although planning a 5 week hike is a lot less work than planning a five month hike!). And I found an answer to the very pressing problem of who would be willing to mail me my resupply packages over the course of my hike- a very big and important job! Thank you SO much Ham and Brian!! I am also extremely thankful to my first trail angels of this hike, who will pick me up at the San Diego airport (or close by), take me to their home, feed me, and deliver me to the trailhead in the morning, all without a charge! Incredible! Last year they did this for over 200 hikers! This couple hiked the PCT together in 2007 and I have just started reading their journal. I love them already and am so thankful for such a loving and positive way to start this long journey!

Before I write anymore about the PCT, I really need to catch up on writing about my Colorado Trail experience (which I wanted to do at the end of last August..), so I will go back in time for my next several entries. (Sometimes, just like a wave, you have to go backwards before you can go forwards…)