At the moment, I have four teachers from whom I take yoga classes. Each of them offers something unique and special. What I love about David is the bits of wisdom that he offers throughout class. He has a gift for the way in which words roll off his tongue that are so powerful and true that they strike me to my core. (I really wish I had this ability!) He also makes me laugh a lot, which I find just as therapeutic as moving and opening up the body. Monday night was his first class since returning home from his teaching overseas on a yoga retreat, followed by a yoga festival in Vermont. I had missed his humor and personality while he was away for those three weeks, but after having already taken one physically intense class before his, I was in a quiet and distant mood as his class began.

About halfway through the class, we did a standing “block exercise” that we sometimes do to help our bodies learn proper alignment for poses such as handstand. In this exercise, we place one yoga block between our thighs and squeeze it to help align our lower bodies and then we place our palms around the sides of the second block and extend it straight in front of us as if offering someone a gift. While we do this, David usually reminds us that if someone is offering us a gift of their anger, we can simply choose not to accept it. My eyes drew toward his as we extended our blocks in anticipation of this reminder. At times in the past, when presented with a “gift” of someone’s anger, I would only remember this scenario after the fact and wish that I had remembered it in that moment. If I had, I wouldn’t have wasted my time feeling badly about something that I did not need to. Last week, however, I was presented with such a gift and I very swiftly did not accept it and told the person it was time for me to leave the situation. The things I am learning are starting to take hold!

David saw my eyes on him as he began to speak. “Think of the block as what you offer to the world. You can choose to fill it with cynicism, bitterness, and hatred. And then you can try and give it to Wendy. But she’s not going to take it. She’s going to say, ‘I ain’t got time for that!’ and then you will have to keep it and it will become very heavy. Or you can choose to fill it with love and kindness and then you can take as much as you want because it is self-generating and will always produce more.” (!)

How perfect- the timing of his words, his choosing me as an example. (Okay, I also really love how he personally acknowledges me in most of his classes! Nothing feels better to me than being seen). In my head, I strongly agreed with him. He’s right. I don’t have time for that. And I made that perfectly clear last week and wasted no time thinking or feeling anything differently. I’m making progress and it feels good. I am so fortunate to be reminded of these extremely important lessons in life!

At another point in class, he asked us to change the interlace of our hands, which is another common alignment request to help bring balance to the body. (I remember the first time he asked us to do this when I started taking classes at this studio three years ago and how embarrassingly difficult this seemingly simple task was for me back then. Now, it is so easy!). He asked us, “If that was an extremely neurologically challenging task for you, what is going to happen when you get into a relationship?!” Great question!! Another pearl of truth! He then told us that that simple action of changing our regular pattern reminds us that there are many other possibilities… I immediately became filled with hope! When you release yourself from a situation that diminishes you, you instantly open up a whole lot of space to fill with something more positive, loving, and inspiring!

I feel so lucky that I get to attend yoga classes at this amazing studio and because I know that not everyone can, I thought I would share these little reflections with you!

Thank you, David Vendetti!!

By Rebecca Lammersen

“One of the hardest decisions you will ever face in life, is choosing whether to try harder or walk away.”
~ Anonymous

Try harder or walk away—this is the only choice we make in every moment of life. We either try harder or we walk away from being present, loving ourselves, loving another, pursuing our passions or completing a task. We choose to continue doing, thinking, saying, listening, eating and being what we are, or we break up with it.

There is only one way to do everything, completely or not at all. If we half-ass life, we cheat our truth, stop growing, we suffer.

Imagine if an architect half-assed plans for a building, or an aerospace engineer half-assed the construction of an airplane. The building couldn’t stand on its own and the plane couldn’t fly. We are the architects of our lives. We have to devote entirely to our project or walk away from the drawing pad until we are willing to do the work.

The choice to stay or leave, determines whether we free ourselves or we suffer. How do we make the “right” decision?

We learn how to discern between the doubt of the mind and the surety of the spirit.

The discernment is in the volume. The mind is loud and the spirit is quiet. We have become accustomed to listening to the loud voice, because it takes no effort. It takes practice to hear the quietest voice, and discipline to listen to her. Once we listen, the real work begins, the challenge—we are required to act courageously, as we brace ourselves for the whippings of sadness, longing and unease. Our freedom is dependent on courage. Courage is conceived through faith. We have courage because our faith whispers that peace exists, even if we can’t see her.

Peace carries freedom as a gift. Freedom is presented when we entrust in our choice, and endure the feelings and conditions that hitch a ride with the strength of our spirit. If we remain indecisive, we live in stagnation, in the land of half asses.

Right now, I am struggling. I have my ear cupped to the jailed door of my spirit. I can decipher the words, but I’m scared. I’m scared to unlock the door and face her as she looks me in the eyes and tells me exactly what I already know. I don’t want to listen, because I know there lies an uncertainty, what’s next?

Predictability is my pal, but she is also my captor and torturer. She is the accomplice of my mind. She feeds me my meals, allows me to bathe. She may even crack a smile, but the reality is she has locked me up, pinned me against the door, knife in hand. I remember being here before, feeling this piercing pain as my mind stabs my spirit. My spirit is fighting back, grasping for the knife, pleading for her life, holding her wound and begging for mind to leave.

Life is one struggle after the next, a battery of choices every day, “Do I stay or do I leave?” We liberate ourselves when we understand our emancipation is granted when we abide by one commandment: Thou shall not struggle against struggle.

It’s simple, but it’s not easy: Do not make more struggle. We are released from bondage when we know, regardless if we stay or go, we have the choice to stay or go. We are in charge of our own suffering. We can walk away from it when we wish.

Struggle is the wrinkle of life. We can not escape it, but we can honor it, see it as part of us, as our counterpart and coexist. Peace is acceptance of struggle. How do we create peace? We don’t create more struggle, we acknowledge we will struggle.

How do we not make more struggle? We listen. We listen to the quiet voice, we tune out the loud one, we grab the knife and crawl out the door. We patch up the wound and devote to our recovery as exhausting and painful as it may be.

I have the ability to nurture my wounds, heal from them and become stronger and healthier than before.

How do I know I will be stronger than before?

Because I’ve freed myself more times than I can count. Life is a series of imprisonments that deliver us to our next liberation. Experience and practice is our liberator. If we choose to learn from our experiences of struggle and only listen for the quiet voice, the duration of our imprisonments shorten and our liberation lengthens.

I’m not free right now. I’m in the knife fight. I’m still deciding. As I struggle with struggle, I know I can make the easy decision or I can make the decision that will challenge me, that will help me grow.

The choice to follow the voice of our spirit takes effort, determination and tenacity. It is easy to be defeated, to be a coward and listen to our mind. Honoring our spirit takes time, patience, faith and trust.

Struggle is indestructible and inevitable. Our response to it dictates our quality of life. The bouts of suffering will lessen as we learn how to win the battle, how swiftly to grab the knife, unlock the bars and walk through the gates to peace as we hold hands with struggle.

I may be imprisoned right now, but I’ve learned from my experience. I’ll be free soon, I just have to stop half-assing it and answer the question, “Do I try harder or do I walk away?”

The other day, a friend of mine made a heart out of pieces of her beautiful sea glass collection. “A sea glass heart!”, I suddenly realized, as I was thinking about it during a walk. I was instantly reminded of this piece of writing that I came across several months ago, which I really love.

By Jeanette LeBlanc

Blessed be your longing. Your endless ache. Your sharp crystal shatter. Your sea glass heart.

Blessed be the long, slow slide into desire. The swift plunging wound to the heart. The bleeding out onto the kitchen floor.

Blessed be the fierce of want and the howl of despair and the swan dive of surrender.

Blessed be the indignation of right and the never more naked of wrong.

Blessed be your strong smooth body and your roadmap of scars and brittle bones that give way under the weight of lives unlived.
Blessed be the unmet passion, the relentless boredom, the absolute certainty of regret.

Blessed be the sweet laughter. The hard fuck. The bitter fight. The soft of impossible forgiveness.

Blessed be the restless seeker. The relentless urgency. The unanswered call.

Blessed be the giving up. The hope unraveled. The void at the end. The clenched fists and the desperate grasping and the way it all slides away when the time comes.

Blessed be your trembling breath and your strong knees. Blessed be your siren song and your briny tears and your frantic prayer.

Blessed be your violin body, your electric hipbone, your staircase ribs.
Blessed be your slaughtered dreams and your cynical projection. Blessed be your fire of initiation and your ritual of comfort. Blessed be your secret shame. Blessed be your whispered confession. Blessed be your primal roar.

Blessed be the rejection. The hollowed out, disregarded heart. Blessed be the end of the rope, the absence of expectation, the way it all gives way eventually.

Blessed be the blood and guts and gore of it all.
Blessed be the emptiness of lust and the brutal havoc of love and the way peace grows in between cracks in cement.

Blessed be the dirty street corner hustle and the pretty surface of things and where they meet in the most sacred center.

Blessed be the harsh divinity. The winged flight. The salt skin. The symphony of lust.

Blessed be the holy and the worship. Blessed be the sacred mother. Blessed be the faithless edges. Blessed be the ritual of liturgy and agnostic faith.

Blessed be the profane and the provocation. Blessed be the solitary pilgrimage and the long journey home. Blessed be the one who contains herself.
Blessed be the truth that demands reckoning and the goodbye that wrenches long held secrets from behind closed lips.

Blessed be the sucker punch bruises. Blessed be smooth slide of sun behind the mountains. Blessed be the wise desert and the pounding sea.

Blessed be the sweet swell of words. The silent spaces between bodies. The ragged sigh of breath on bone.

Blessed be the poet and the poem and the one between them who has no words of her own. Blessed be the plagiarism, the thievery, the rash disregard for origin, the gratitude for the beginning of things.
Blessed be our free fall into destiny. Our slow burn. Our consuming fire. Blessed be the breaking and becoming. Blessed be the ugly. Blessed be the sweet sin. Blessed be the rage. Blessed be the grace.

Blessed be. Blessed be. Blessed be.

In the end, all words are just another way to say Amen.

My stomach/intestines have still not recovered from my experience on the PCT. There have been many, many days since I returned home in which I have been rendered incapacitated in tremendous pain. The only thing I can do is lie down and sleep for hours. This pain aids in keeping my energy and activity level down and doesn’t help with writing or any other creative endeavors. Yesterday was one such day. Lately, these days have been occurring about once every 7-10 days (lasting from 1-4 days) with days of lesser pain in between. I still have not had a normal bowel movement since sometime last May- over one year ago! Sometimes, I can barely manage to walk the couple of flat beach miles near my home. Once, after making it home, I almost couldn’t stand up to boil water to make some ginger tea!
I took a month of probiotics with 80 billion strains (“critical colon”) in March and after that did not improve anything, I tried another month of 150 billion strains (“mega potent”). (These doses make the ones I bought from the drugstore on the PCT laughable- no wonder they did not do anything!) I also tried acupuncture, as recommended by another hiker on the PCT. It helped her fully recover from an amoeba infection that she had struggled with for 2 years. Since there is an acupuncturist that offers community acupuncture across the street from me, I finally decided to try it for about 2 months.
Unfortunately, none of these things worked for me (a result I am very familiar with!). I am going to give the probiotics route one more try by increasing the dose to 200 billion strains (which is more than the body can even handle in one dose!). I was not exaggerating when I said that the antibiotics given to me on the PCT destroyed my entire system!
I still can’t believe how I was able to hike the PCT in that state, with the amount of pain I was in and without the ability to eat! Every time I read a blog in which the hikers are talking about all of their food cravings and about how they can’t eat enough, I remember how I was denied the ability to eat at all for four of the five months I was out there! Some days, I remember where I was on the PCT last year, and my first memory was how much pain I was in that day.
Before I can even think about another hike, I have to get this problem under control. I can’t even live regular life like this!

I’ve also been struggling with a few other physical ailments in addition to my digestive system. For the past several years, my PMS symptoms have been drawn out to 2 weeks in advance of my period with pre-bleeding and cramping. This means that I experience one week without bleeding per month. Not a pleasant way to live! My acupuncturist says that is definitely stealing some of my energy away from me. I did see a doctor about this before I left for the PCT and even had an ultrasound. As usual, they said they could find nothing wrong. My eyes also dried out during the winter and I am still struggling to get them reasonably healthy. They have been problematic since the AT when I really injured them. Apparently, scar tissue built up and now they dry out extremely easily. This year, they have been watering constantly. I have looked up vitamin solutions for both of these issues and after a couple of months of taking them, they might be helping a little… My acupuncturist kept telling me it was allergy season, and despite my explaining to her several times that this was not an allergy-related problem, she did not seem to hear me. She also told me that I was probably ovulating when I pointed to the place my intestines were hurting the most. I was definitely not ovulating, and the pain was directly due to my infection! I also continue to suffer daily from a sinus infection that resulted from a mistake my surgeon made during my double jaw surgery in 2006. I have learned that he scraped out all of the cilia in my nasal passage and because it is a structural problem, there is no remedy for the daily build up of think congestion which now has now way out. (Again, my acupuncturist did not listen to what I told her about this problem and spent time trying to fix it as if it were allergy related). So, after giving acupuncture a try, all of my issues remain unhealed.

I’ve tried vitamin therapy, a previous attempt at acupuncture (the acupuncturist said my base energy was too low for it to work on me), reiki, went to an herbalist and tried her tea therapy, and regularly saw a chiropractor in 2012, all of which failed to make a change in my energy or conditions.

I know what the origins of my low energy are, but I haven’t found a way to overcome this issue as of yet. I think that finding a purpose and filling my life with things that light me up will help the most with this issue. As for the other problems, I really don’t know…

I’ve had severe writer’s block for the last 5+ months. Actually, I’ve had it for most of my life. I always WANT to write, but other things always get in the way. Sometimes my energy is just too low. Other times, it just doesn’t get priority. The only writing I’ve actually accomplished in my life is my trail journals. Even though writing those entries took a lot of time and effort, and even though I often still struggled with sitting down and just doing it, that writing was relatively easy because I was just recalling what happened in my extremely event-filled days on the trail.
This other life is not nearly as interesting. It’s much more sedentary and static, and for me, not much has been happening for an extremely long amount of time. I have yet to find a job. It’s not fun to keep telling everyone this. And it excludes me from a lot of things. Two of my favorite teachers are leading a long weekend yoga retreat in September and I’ve been asked several times if I am going. I can’t. I need a job. I can’t live off the few dollars I receive each month to teach my weekly yoga class. I thought that I had aligned myself with this one job that I had applied for- one where I would be working in a field that I was interested in, one where the commute would be relatively simple, and one in which I could still get to my favorite yoga classes at my home studio in Boston. I fully made the decision that that was the job I wanted. And then I waited, and waited, and watched the weeks roll by. I thought that I would have been interviewed within 2-3 weeks, and that I would have started working by June 1st. Every day, I checked to see whether the position had been filed as closed. After five weeks, I looked up some e-mail addresses where I could write to someone and tell them I was still interested. And then, I read my cover letter that I had sent for the first time since… It was not well written and contained several glaring mistakes. No wonder they did not contact me! I would have immediately dismissed my application if I were the one looking at it, too! I wondered how that could have possibly happened. Why did I mess up the one application that I wanted so badly? I remember having extremely low energy the night I wrote it. I hadn’t checked the listings for several nights at the end of April because I was preparing for and then giving my talk. By the time I saw the posting four days later, I felt like I was already late. I managed to write something and send it off late that night, but never went back to re-read it… I just can’t believe this…

Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of people around me getting what they desire very quickly. Several of the people I met on the PCT have already gotten married or are planning upcoming weddings. Several are pregnant. Most have found new jobs, some in different fields than the ones they have been previously working in. One girl wrote a recent blog post about how the Universe has listened to her wishes and granted them so closely. (“I want to find a house between this and this number on this street” and boom! They are notified of an opening and move in a few weeks later). And here I am, in complete stagnation, or so it feels like. A couple of years ago, I was told by a very intuitive yoga practitioner that I have “fast-moving” energy because I identify what I want and then quickly go after it. This did occur with deciding to get my yoga teaching certification, and with my thru-hikes (the best experiences of my life), but outside of those few experiences, I feel like I have always had the slowest-moving and lowest energy of anyone on earth. A lot of times, I just feel physically bad all day long. I never wake up with energy, and sometimes, I just can’t get it activated. Often, there is no specific reason as to why I am feeling this way. Sometimes, I think I’ve just about reached the end of my life. I feel ready to expire. And then, I wake up again…

Meanwhile, one friend is quickly starting a new relationship with 100% intensity, picking up different jobs, and rehearsing for a play. Another one met a man, got engaged several months later, and in less than a year and a half is married with a baby. Another acquaintance has produced and starred in a one woman show in NYC, been interviewed on CNN and by Deepok Chopra, and is now traveling the world to stage her show in different locations. Today, she was interviewed by the BBC. These people are the ones that have “fast- moving” energy!

Fortunately, because of my yoga practice, I know that nothing is permanent. I am reminded that when things are bad, it doesn’t mean they will stay that way. Everything is always changing. This is a very different mindset than the one I grew up with and I am proud of this shift in my perspective. Although yoga does not solve one’s life problems, it does provide its practitioners with a set of tools that help to alleviate suffering. The other night, when an interaction with someone left me feeling bad late at night, I decided that the one thing I could do in that moment was to take a deep breath. And incredibly, I immediately felt a feeling of wholeness and peace! And it was all within me! Although I have certain characteristics that were set in place very early on in my life (and which often leave me with a feeling of hopelessness), I realized that my ability to not drown in these feelings or linger too long in places that don’t feel good is due to this new set of tools that I now have, such as remembering to be grateful for what I do have in this very moment. Although I am currently lacking in finances, for the first time in my life, I have the freedom to go for walks on the beach and lie under the sun! In all of the years that I was working, I never had time to do this! On the weekends, I was always doing chores, cooking for the week ahead, and trying to catch up on sleep. And I never had time to relax on my thru-hikes. Spring has been slow to arrive this year, but the first time that I was able to sprawl out on a rock underneath the sun next to the ocean waves, felt amazing!
Perhaps, something is brewing in its slow-moving way and I just can’t see it yet. Perhaps I haven’t been clear enough on exactly what it is that I want. Perhaps I am too isolated and not connected enough with the people that can help me achieve my desires. For now, I will continue to set intentions, be grateful for all that I do have, and start writing at last!

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

My first talk was a success! About 40 people attended, which I have been told several times by the different librarians, was a crowd for an event at this small library. I was honored that one friend made the trip up from Boston, and that my friend Hannah returned home from NYC where she is now living to attend my talk! (Unfortunately, neither one could stick around to hang out afterward). Although I had, from time to time, worried about both the structure and content of my talk beforehand, my instincts turned out to be justified. The audience was engaged throughout, clapped after I gave my initial talk, and then when my slideshow concluded, they wouldn’t stop clapping! It was almost embarrassing. I wasn’t sure what to do. But it was a nice recognition of the months that I had spent working on this project. Although my delivery was not perfect, I learned where I need to work on a few transitions. The presentation was exactly an hour long and then I had about 20 minutes of questions. Upon leaving, one lady commented that she felt so inspired and that she now had to figure out what she was going to do (she didn’t think it was hiking)! This was my intention for the talk, and I am so happy that it was received this way. The director of the library even said that I should come back in a few months and present it to a different crowd! I can’t think of a better compliment than that! This experience has proven to me the importance of listening to yourself first and foremost. I received advice from several people in regards to their ideas of how I should structure my talk, but the response I received showed me that my initial instincts were right. It is so important to be true to yourself. Because my talk revolved around universal principles, everyone (whether they are a hiker or not) could relate to at least some part of what I was speaking about.
I have a second talk scheduled for a library in a neighboring town on June 30th, as well as at the Pinkham Notch Visitor Center at the base of Mount Washington in August! The main branch of my town library also wants me to give the talk there (either in the summer or fall), I might speak at the Highland Center in the White Mountains this summer or fall, and am on the list of speakers to present at a newly formed monthly-inspirational series in Wellesley this fall or winter. I may also speak at the Boston chapter of the Appalachian Mountain Club in October.

Things on the job-front continue to be stalled. Eight months after I finished my hike, I haven’t earned a single dollar aside from my one original yoga class per week (which now is not even covering gas money!). It is almost comical… Almost. I did receive 2 calls from labs who praised my science resume in the past two weeks (took a long time!). It appears that I did not pass the phone screen from the Novartis researcher to proceed with an interview. He asked me if I could present a talk to both his group and another. Since we spoke the day after I gave my PCT presentation, I said, “Yes!”. However, I then realized that he wanted a presentation on my previous research. I still agreed, now feeling confident that I can actually speak in front of people and offer a presentation. But then, I realized I had no scientific images to work with. My own project which resulted in a first-author Science paper was published way back in 2001! Practically in the Dark Ages! It was the age of slides and those translucent films that could be slapped on an enlarger. I have no science-related images on my personal computer! He agreed that it would be hard to give a presentation without images. I then thought about all of the hours it had taken to put together my PCT slideshow, and honestly, to be given a 1/3 chance of getting this position (he wanted to interview at least 2-3 other candidates), the time it would take to put something like this together would hardly be worth it. I didn’t go to graduate school. I’m not applying for a post-doc position (which seems a lot easier to get!). And I think I caused the guy too much concern that I would soon leave to go off on another hike! And rightly so!
Today, I spoke with a woman about a part-time lab position, but it pays so little, that together with my 8 upcoming yoga classes a week (still yet to start…), I still wouldn’t be able to cover my basic living costs and would be working an insane amount of hours! I realized that this just isn’t making sense. I can’t drive all over the place, pay for gas (pollute the environment), be stuck in traffic, to teach classes which pay me nothing in return.

I have concluded that the only way to pay my expenses will be to take a full-time job. Two weeks ago, while looking through my daily job listings, I actually found and applied to a position that would combine my history of research experience with my interest in mind/body health! The commute would be tolerable for me, and I would be able to get to my yoga classes afterward (which is incredibly important to me! When you teach yoga, you sacrifice going to the classes you wish you could go to!). I feel that after months and months of being in a highly confused state, I have reached a great degree of clarity within the past two weeks. And now, I am simply left waiting and hoping that these people will call me and offer me an interview. If any of you are inclined and wish to send some good energy for this to align, I would really appreciate it! Thank you so much!

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson

After a lot of waiting, the smallest things are just beginning to happen. I have been offered to teach two yoga classes at a new studio opening up 30 minutes away from where I live (although the pay is extremely minimal and the opening of the studio continues to be delayed. It was supposed to open at the end of March, then the beginning of April, and now the middle of May).
And my first talk has been scheduled for April 29th! I was hoping to give the talk early in the month and then start searching for other places to give it since places need at least a month’s notice. But, at least I am on the calendar!
And I read what I have written for the talk to my friend, Erik, over Skype. He does not hold back his opinion on the things I produce (often telling me things like a graphic designer would do a much better job at choosing the fonts for the fliers I have made, etc) and said he would take notes as I talked. However, when I finished reading, he said, “I wish I could write a speech like that!” and had no further comments! He said I am 99.9% done with the talk and now I just have to work on the delivery. Wow!
The main library is interested in me giving my talk there, as well, but their spring series is already booked and they don’t have lectures during the summer. My calls to EMS and REI did not produce any opportunities for talks, but I think that is fine as my talk is intended for a broader audience. I don’t talk about gear or the specifics about thru-hiking. My intention is for it to be an inspirational talk for everyone, whether they have an interest in backpacking or not.

After sending out about 70 corporate yoga proposals, I have received two interested responses. One was from a group of hospitals that is in the process of starting up yoga classes for their employees and patients. My proposal landed on their desk at just the time they were looking for teachers! However, they already decided on a minimal pay scale. And once again, I will be commuting an hour each way to teach 45 minute classes. This program won’t start until June. It looks like I may be teaching 3-4 classes per week once May rolls around, and about 7 starting in June. However, I still won’t be earning enough to even cover my rent, so I have to quickly find a means of picking up other income while still having the flexibility to commute to my teaching jobs.
Sometimes, I think that the only way I will be able to pay my bills is to take another lab job, but I still haven’t even been contacted by a single one that I have applied for! I was sure that I would get a call to be interviewed by a lab in a company that needed someone to do the same things that I was doing in my previous lab. But even they haven’t contacted me! Erik thinks it is no surprise, as I am competing with masses of young people. Why would they want to hire me when they could hire someone fresh and eager? I think it is the Universe’s way of telling me that these jobs are not in alignment with who I am and that I am now finished with that part of my life. I have something much more to offer the world.
Still, it seems nearly impossible to pay for my minimal living expenses by teaching yoga. All of the yoga teachers I know have a spouse or partner who works a full-time, well-paying job, which gives them the opportunity to teach. I know it is a long-shot to try to cover my expenses this way, but I would finally be doing something that I love. And then I think, maybe… maybe…Could this actually be possible?

I recently took an on-line yoga class with a teacher who is far less concerned with moving and much more interested in getting her students to observe their thoughts and behavior, absolve all blame, and lead by example. This class was centered around the theme of doubt, devotion, and belief. She asked us to remember the last time we were filled with doubt about something and then what transpired with this situation. I thought back to a night on the PCT, when I was in tremendous pain in the Sierras (both from my stomach and Achilles). Dust Bunny was urging me to take a week off, rest, see a doctor of some sort, and begin to heal. I could skip part of the trail, she said. I was insistent that I could not. For the first several hundred miles of the PCT, I had not a single doubt that I could complete the entire hike. But at this point, serious doubts had begun to creep in and I had to question my motives for finishing the hike in such a great amount of pain. In the end, I managed to do it. I overcame the doubt. During this yoga practice, I realized that the place I am in now is just another period of doubt. I can’t see the future and have no way of knowing how things will work out. But I have to keep my devotion strong and I have to stay open. Although things are moving incredibly slowly, I am receiving signs that people are starting to recognize and accept what I have to offer. Doors are starting to open and once I step through them, I fully believe that more will continue to open. I just have to keep trying, stay true to myself, and stay on my path. Trails are easy because the path has already been formed and traveled on by many others. There is a marked beginning and end. The path of one’s life is much more challenging because there are no markers. We are all on different paths and so much can not be seen or known. But I am starting to believe and I am so proud of how far I have come.