I’ve had severe writer’s block for the last 5+ months. Actually, I’ve had it for most of my life. I always WANT to write, but other things always get in the way. Sometimes my energy is just too low. Other times, it just doesn’t get priority. The only writing I’ve actually accomplished in my life is my trail journals. Even though writing those entries took a lot of time and effort, and even though I often still struggled with sitting down and just doing it, that writing was relatively easy because I was just recalling what happened in my extremely event-filled days on the trail.
This other life is not nearly as interesting. It’s much more sedentary and static, and for me, not much has been happening for an extremely long amount of time. I have yet to find a job. It’s not fun to keep telling everyone this. And it excludes me from a lot of things. Two of my favorite teachers are leading a long weekend yoga retreat in September and I’ve been asked several times if I am going. I can’t. I need a job. I can’t live off the few dollars I receive each month to teach my weekly yoga class. I thought that I had aligned myself with this one job that I had applied for- one where I would be working in a field that I was interested in, one where the commute would be relatively simple, and one in which I could still get to my favorite yoga classes at my home studio in Boston. I fully made the decision that that was the job I wanted. And then I waited, and waited, and watched the weeks roll by. I thought that I would have been interviewed within 2-3 weeks, and that I would have started working by June 1st. Every day, I checked to see whether the position had been filed as closed. After five weeks, I looked up some e-mail addresses where I could write to someone and tell them I was still interested. And then, I read my cover letter that I had sent for the first time since… It was not well written and contained several glaring mistakes. No wonder they did not contact me! I would have immediately dismissed my application if I were the one looking at it, too! I wondered how that could have possibly happened. Why did I mess up the one application that I wanted so badly? I remember having extremely low energy the night I wrote it. I hadn’t checked the listings for several nights at the end of April because I was preparing for and then giving my talk. By the time I saw the posting four days later, I felt like I was already late. I managed to write something and send it off late that night, but never went back to re-read it… I just can’t believe this…
Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of people around me getting what they desire very quickly. Several of the people I met on the PCT have already gotten married or are planning upcoming weddings. Several are pregnant. Most have found new jobs, some in different fields than the ones they have been previously working in. One girl wrote a recent blog post about how the Universe has listened to her wishes and granted them so closely. (“I want to find a house between this and this number on this street” and boom! They are notified of an opening and move in a few weeks later). And here I am, in complete stagnation, or so it feels like. A couple of years ago, I was told by a very intuitive yoga practitioner that I have “fast-moving” energy because I identify what I want and then quickly go after it. This did occur with deciding to get my yoga teaching certification, and with my thru-hikes (the best experiences of my life), but outside of those few experiences, I feel like I have always had the slowest-moving and lowest energy of anyone on earth. A lot of times, I just feel physically bad all day long. I never wake up with energy, and sometimes, I just can’t get it activated. Often, there is no specific reason as to why I am feeling this way. Sometimes, I think I’ve just about reached the end of my life. I feel ready to expire. And then, I wake up again…
Meanwhile, one friend is quickly starting a new relationship with 100% intensity, picking up different jobs, and rehearsing for a play. Another one met a man, got engaged several months later, and in less than a year and a half is married with a baby. Another acquaintance has produced and starred in a one woman show in NYC, been interviewed on CNN and by Deepok Chopra, and is now traveling the world to stage her show in different locations. Today, she was interviewed by the BBC. These people are the ones that have “fast- moving” energy!
Fortunately, because of my yoga practice, I know that nothing is permanent. I am reminded that when things are bad, it doesn’t mean they will stay that way. Everything is always changing. This is a very different mindset than the one I grew up with and I am proud of this shift in my perspective. Although yoga does not solve one’s life problems, it does provide its practitioners with a set of tools that help to alleviate suffering. The other night, when an interaction with someone left me feeling bad late at night, I decided that the one thing I could do in that moment was to take a deep breath. And incredibly, I immediately felt a feeling of wholeness and peace! And it was all within me! Although I have certain characteristics that were set in place very early on in my life (and which often leave me with a feeling of hopelessness), I realized that my ability to not drown in these feelings or linger too long in places that don’t feel good is due to this new set of tools that I now have, such as remembering to be grateful for what I do have in this very moment. Although I am currently lacking in finances, for the first time in my life, I have the freedom to go for walks on the beach and lie under the sun! In all of the years that I was working, I never had time to do this! On the weekends, I was always doing chores, cooking for the week ahead, and trying to catch up on sleep. And I never had time to relax on my thru-hikes. Spring has been slow to arrive this year, but the first time that I was able to sprawl out on a rock underneath the sun next to the ocean waves, felt amazing!
Perhaps, something is brewing in its slow-moving way and I just can’t see it yet. Perhaps I haven’t been clear enough on exactly what it is that I want. Perhaps I am too isolated and not connected enough with the people that can help me achieve my desires. For now, I will continue to set intentions, be grateful for all that I do have, and start writing at last!
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson