(Okay, maybe the time is not exactly now… Maybe it is after you are healthy enough to stand up!)

I got hit really hard by a horrendous stomach virus on Monday! I felt tired during the day, but that is normal for me, and I thought it was probably due to not having eaten recently enough. By the early evening, my intestines were hurting and I wondered why. (That is also not unusual, but it seemed to be at that moment). After I ate my dinner, I lied down on the couch, hoping that would help restore my energy and give my intestines time to feel better. However, the longer I stayed, the worse I felt. I definitely didn’t feel like doing any yoga. The pain was increasing and I wondered if my period was coming extra early. I decided I better check and take some ibuprofen if so. First, I tried washing my face. As I stood at the sink, I quickly felt weaker and weaker. I got very hot and started sweating. I suddenly felt like I had to eliminate everything in my body through both ends at once. I wanted to finish washing my face first, but couldn’t. I had no energy (which was terrifying). What was happening to me? Everything was starting to go black from the top of my head down. I sat down and then felt compelled to vomit, so I tore open the shower curtain and threw up most of my dinner. A few seconds later, I threw up again, and then again. I felt so weak that I thought I was going to have to lie down on the bathroom floor. I couldn’t make it to the carpet. Somehow, I managed to rinse out my mouth and then get to my couch. For the next 2 hours, I could not warm up. I had my apartment temperature at 70, my space heater on twice as high as normal, lots of layers on, and two blankets over me. After a long time, I managed to get up and boil a pot of water to make a cup of tea, but I could barely hold the mug. I had no strength in my body. I tried to walk to the dining room to get my mostly empty glass of water to have beside my bed, but the effort was too monumental. My head felt black and my body was dizzy when I tried to stand. There was no possibility of brushing my teeth. It took all the energy I had to make it from my couch to my bed. I had to rest before I could gather enough energy to turn out the light. Then, I had to prop my head up on extra pillows so I wouldn’t vomit again.
I can’t remember ever feeling so weak in my life! It took me until close to 3pm the next day to take my first few sips of water. I had lost several pounds in just a few moments. I ate two pieces of gluten free toast and some ginger Kombucha in the late afternoon, and then half a bowl of miso soup at night. (Eating takes a lot of effort and I still didn’t have the strength!). I also managed to clean up the shower the best I could, which was not an easy job!. Other than that, I essentially slept for nearly 41 hours until I had to get up and get myself ready to teach 2 yoga classes in Cambridge!
That day, I added some yogurt to my meals of miso soup and toast, but since then, anything else that I attempt to eat still causes my stomach to hurt! (My poor, poor digestive system has been through the ringer these past two years!!) I am so glad I cancelled the surgery I was going to have today. I was feeling like it was a bad idea to rush into surgery with a doctor I know nothing about and who certainly doesn’t have the time of day for me, and it is also not a smart thing to do when there is no one to drive you to/ from the hospital- never mind help you out afterwards!

I was doing pretty well on my New Year’s intentions until I got hit by that bug from out of nowhere! (I rarely get stomach viruses- usually just bad colds). I felt weaker than the men in ‘UnBroken’! I couldn’t even stand up! And it was a total surprise when a few thoughts went through my head before I went to bed on Tuesday night! (I had been in a near comatose state for the previous 27 hours). And even more surprised when I had my first dream last night!

Tomorrow, I hope to return to all of the things I started at the beginning of the month! Back to the world of the living!

I haven’t seen a movie in I don’t even remember how long, but this weekend, I saw ‘Unbroken’ and I think it might be the best movie I have ever seen! If you are in need of some inspiration, go see this one as quickly as you can! After it is over, you will feel like you are on the top of the world and can do anything you want to do! Whatever challenges you are currently facing and whatever life throws at you in the future, I am positive that they can not possibly match what this man went through and overcame. I watched, astounded, as the scenarios he found himself in kept growing worse and worse. How could one man go through all of that? And yet, his spirit remained as strong and intact as possible. It never wavered. We are so much stronger and so much more capable than we ever give ourselves credit for. And perhaps the most touching thing of all was his ability to forgive everyone who had harmed him. Truly incredible and humbling.
After seeing this movie, I feel like my life is a piece of cake in comparison. Torn meniscus? No problem. Watch me do a 90 minute yoga practice with my first arm balances in 2 months. The body can take a lot of damage. It will heal. Keep the light within you burning no matter what is happening around you or to you. Stay true to your own integrity. It matters. Keep the faith that all challenges are temporary and will pass. And keep surrendering to the force that is greater than you. You are being carried.

My friend, Weeds, just posted this yesterday:

‘To all of my friends who have had or are having a hard time :

“Until your knees hit the floor, you’re just playing at life …The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when life begins.” M.W.’

Get to it, people!
The time is now.

One of the most inspiring stories that I heard last year was the one about the 23 year old New York City woman who has produced no trash in the past two years. It illustrates the extent that a single person can have in contributing to the healing or the demise of our world and provides a huge amount of hope to me. If you stop and think about how much trash each of us produces on a daily or weekly basis, and the consequent harm done to our planet, it is easy to find a great deal of hope in imagining the effect of more and more people striving to produce less trash. I heard her NPR interview, as well, and particularly liked the part about her father, who, without any prompting at all, has started to take similar steps after witnessing the changes his daughter has made. (We best teach by simply acting as examples). And I love that she has now started a company which sells handmade non-toxic detergent as a result of her own lifestyle change. She is not only doing what she loves and living in alignment with her own values, but helping others to live a more healthy life, as well (and in turn, creating less harm for our planet).

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-16168/i-havent-made-any-trash-in-2-years-heres-what-my-life-is-like.html

I Haven’t Made Any Trash In 2 Years. Here’s What My Life Is Like

By Lauren Singer
November 18, 2014

My name is Lauren. I’m a 23-year-old girl living in NYC and I don’t make trash. For real. No garbage bin, no landfill. Nada.

I know what you are thinking. This girl must be a total hippie. Or a liar. Or she’s not real. But I assure you, I am none of those things. Well, except for real.

I didn’t always live what some call a “zero waste” life.

But I started making a shift about three years ago, when I was an Environmental Studies major at NYU, protesting against big oil, and president of a club that hosted weekly talks on environmental topics. In my mind I was super environmental, or as my grandma called me, a real “treehugger.” Everyone thought of me as the sustainability girl, so that meant that I was totally doing my share for the earth, right?

Wrong.

In one of my classes, there was another student who always brought a plastic bag containing a plastic clamshell full of food, a plastic water bottle, plastic cutlery, and a bag of chips. Class after class I watched her throw it all in the garbage, and I got so angry! I scoffed and sneered, but I never actually said or did anything. I just got mad.

One day I was particularly upset after class and went home to make dinner and try to forget about it, but when I opened my refrigerator I froze. I realized that every item I had in there was wrapped or packaged, one way or another, in plastic.

This was the first time in my life that I felt like I was able to look at myself and say, “YOU HYPOCRITE.” I was the green girl, not the plastic girl! What had I been doing my entire life? It was in that moment I made the decision to eliminate all plastic from my life.

Quitting plastic meant learning to make all of my packaged products myself.

This included everything from toothpaste to cleaning products, all things I had no clue how to make and had to learn by doing a lot of online research. One day I stumbled across a blog called Zero Waste Home. It followed the life of Bea Johnson, wife and mother of two children who all live a zero-waste life in California.

By that point I had already eliminated almost all plastic from my life. I thought, “If a family of four can live a zero-waste lifestyle, I, as a (then) 21-year-old single girl in NYC, certainly can.” So I took the leap.

How did I go from zero plastic to zero waste?

First, I stopped buying packaged products and began bringing my own bags and jars to fill with bulk products at the supermarket. I stopped buying new clothing, and shopped only secondhand. I continued making all of my own personal care and cleaning products. I downsized significantly by selling, donating, or giving away superfluous things in my life, such as all but one of my six identical spatulas, 10 pairs of jeans that I hadn’t worn since high school, and a trillion decorative items that had no significance to me at all.

Most importantly, I started planning potentially wasteful situations; I began saying “NO” to things like straws in my cocktails at a bars, to plastic or paper bags at stores, and to receipts.

Of course, this transition didn’t happen overnight.

This process took more than a year and required a lot of effort. The most difficult part was taking a hard look at myself, the environmental studies major, the shining beacon of sustainability, and realizing that I didn’t live in a way that aligned with my values.

I realized that while I sincerely cared about a lot of things, I wasn’t embodying my philosophies. Once I accepted that, I allowed myself to change and since then my life has been better every day. Here are just a few of the ways life has improved since I went trash free:

1. I save money.

I now make a grocery list when I go shopping, which means being prepared and not grabbing expensive items impulsively. Additionally, buying food in bulk means not paying a premium for packaging. When it comes to my wardrobe, I don’t purchase new clothing; I shop secondhand and get my clothes at a heavily discounted price.

2. I eat better.

Since I purchase unpackaged foods, my unhealthy choices are really limited. Instead, I eat a lot of organic fruits and vegetables, bulk whole grains and legumes, as well as a lot of seasonal, local food, since farmers markets offer amazing unpackaged produce.

3. I’m happier.

Before I adopted my zero-waste lifestyle, I would find myself scrambling to the supermarket before it closed, because I didn’t shop properly, ordering in takeout because I didn’t have food, always going to the pharmacy to get this scrub and that cream, and cleaning constantly because I had so much stuff.

Now, my typical week involves one trip to the store to buy all of the ingredients I need. This trip isn’t just for food, but also for cleaning and beauty products, since all of the things I use now can be made with simple, everyday ingredients. Not only is it easier and stress free, it’s healthier (no toxic chemicals!).

I never anticipated that actively choosing not to produce waste would turn into my having a higher quality of life. I thought it would just mean not taking out the trash. But what was at first a lifestyle decision became a blog, Trash is for Tossers, which became a catalyst for chatting with interesting, like-minded people, and making friends.

Now it’s blossomed into my quitting my great post-grad job as Sustainability Manager for the NYC Department of Environmental Protection to start my own zero-waste company, The Simply Co., where I hand-make and sell the products that I learned to produce over the past two years.

I didn’t start living this lifestyle to make a statement — I began living this way because living a zero-waste life is, to me, the absolutely best way I know how to live a life that aligns with everything I believe in.

I just watched this trailer for an upcoming documentary on the PCT by some 2014 hikers.

https://www.facebook.com/domorewithless

Oh, man… The tears come easily. These are my people. This is the life I want to be living. I can’t think of a better way to spend one’s time. It’s too painful to be away from it. I am astounded by the scenery and the ease of the people. I need to go back there as soon as I can.

For those who have asked who the people that thru-hike are and what age categories they fit into, this is a good visual representation.

I love the title, too…

Also, here is a recent article from the LA Times on a few of the amazingly generous and selfless trail angels on the PCT.
http://www.latimes.com/sports/great-reads/la-sp-c1-trail-angels-20141230-column.html#page=1

Some excerpts:

“There is a quote in Hebrews,” Donna Saufley says. “Something along the lines of, ‘To show hospitality to strangers is to entertain angels.'”

…

“I think people basically want to help, but it’s so complicated — ‘What’s the best way to help a homeless person? Where do I start?'” Strayed says by phone. “With long-distance hikers, the needs are so simple and the payoffs are direct.”

The trail angels explain their generosity by raving about the types of people they encounter. Like Donna Saufley, most consider helping the hikers a spiritual — almost churchly — endeavor, something they were ordained to do.

“We’re our better selves out there,” she says of the hikers she helps.

…

But she sees the long-distance hikers unload more than just unnecessary gear. She talks fondly about the payoffs of being a trail angel: witnessing the hikers’ emerging humanity, their grit, their brio and the inevitable baring of souls.

Traveling the trail “is humbling,” she says. “I compare it to the peeling of an onion. You see people for what they are.

“I have to say, far and away, these are some of the most interesting people on the planet,” Saufley says. “I always say that it’s a river of life that washes up to my shore.”

…

For Saufley, the transformations she sees in people are a fair trade for the expense and fatigue.

“They go out for the nature,” she says of her long-distance guests. “And they end up finding the peace within themselves.”

“May Light always surround you;
Hope kindle and rebound you.
May your Hurts turn to Healing;
Your Heart embrace Feeling.
May Wounds become Wisdom;
Every Kindness a Prism.
May Laughter infect you;
Your Passion resurrect you.
May Goodness inspire
your Deepest Desires.
Through all that you Reach For,
May your arms Never Tire.”

― D. Simone

“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning.”

― T.S. Eliot

This year, I’ve had more time than any other year to reflect on its occurrences and lessons, making the transition to the New Year more meaningful than ever before. For me, as I’ve stated a few times already, it was physically and financially one of the (if not the most) worst of my life. However, in many ways, I started and accomplished a lot of what I hoped to do. I put together a presentation and gathered the courage to ask many, many places if they were interested in hearing it. I learned to make jewelry and quickly made a lot of earrings and bracelets that have received wonderful initial responses. And I made cards and calendars from my photos that I took on the PCT. It was a year of planting seeds that I now wish to expand upon. Next year, I hope to find more places to give my talk at and places to sell my art. And clearly, it will also have to be a year of repair in order to physically become a functional human being again. Since time is quickly falling away and the new year is just around the corner, I decided to just list a few of the highlights here and expand upon them later.

My biggest accomplishment: Giving 29 presentations after I volunteered to give my first one at the end of April! I am very proud of the presentation that I put together and of the responses I have received. It was all completely self-generated and I partly wanted to do this to challenge myself. My life has been very solitary and speaking is not something that I have had to do much of in any capacity. I am very appreciative of the outcome.

Something new that I learned: Perfectionism stems from shame. Prior to reading about this, I did not feel like the word “shame” really applied to me. I have never had a problem talking about things that have happened to me and never felt like I was the cause of these things. This year, however, I learned that shame is feeling unworthy of being loved for who you are. If you are not loved for just being you, you feel that you need to do things to earn love. And this, I can very much relate to.

Greatest find: The blog “Momastery”. When I first heard of this blog, I wasn’t initially interested in reading it because I am not a mother. However, once I did take a look, I wanted to read every post! This woman (Glennon Doyle Melton) is who I aspire to be! She is extremely honest, open, humorous, loving, and compassionate, and has done tremendous work in forming a community of people who are both real and supportive of each other, and who help those in need. So many of her posts made me cry from either the goodness she has done, or because I can so deeply relate to her feelings. I am thankful for the writings (and speaking) of her, Anne Lamott, Marianne Williamson, Ally Hamilton, Brene Brown, Cheryl Strayed, and Oprah. They are all role models for me, along with my yoga teachers Jacqui Bonwell, Georgia Reath, David Vendetti, Jojo Flaherty, and Todd Skoglund. Another amazing discovery I made at the end of the year is the “Humans of New York” posts on Facebook, where a man photographs and asks his recipients something very meaningful about their lives. I am just in awe at the different challenges that we all face during our time here and the great strength that we all possess to overcome them. Absolutely incredible.
(An audience member at one of my talks this year was extremely concerned about the amount of honesty that I give and was very worried that this would make me prey to predators. I have always felt protected by the truth, and I remain adamant that vulnerability is the only way we can truly connect with one another and heal. I have only to look to the role models I just listed to remind me of my conviction).

Biggest surprise: I got into disagreements with two people this year- both of whom are in the “friend” category. One of them is someone I often get into disagreements with, who lives his life very differently than mine, and whom I have more than once told that I would not like to communicate with anymore. The other is my nice, upbeat friend from my previous job. I knew that when an issue arose between us (the first of its kind!), it would eventually bring us closer together after a period of intense discomfort and honesty, or that it would bring the relationship to its end. So far, it has gone the latter. (Tough times will definitely test the strength of a relationship! It is not humanly possible to always be happy with someone, and being able to talk about where you are coming from and lend an open ear is essential to reaching an understanding and its subsequent growth). And, surprisingly, through all the disagreements and the actual attempts at creating distance with the other person, it is he who still communicates with me, and he who I have reached a greater depth of understanding with. This was the surprise of the year for me. He is the person who most regularly communicates with me, and he is the only person (other than my friend Erik, who has lived in the Netherlands for the past 5 years) that makes contact with me on the holidays when I am otherwise left in an excruciatingly lonely void. He remembers that my brother died on Thanksgiving, and although compassion is not something that is natural for him, there are times when it leaks out and I am so very grateful for it. If nothing else, he is a great teacher for me.

A truth that was verified: I believe that in our cores, we are made of love. If we were weren’t stressed, in pain, under pressure or hurt, we would be much kinder to ourselves and to one another. No matter how a person behaves, I believe that there is a deep layer of goodness in the center and that most harmful behavior is a result of self-protection from being further hurt. I was both amazed and humbled from an admission from someone I know that allowed me to see this belief of mine is most definitely true. It was a highlight of my year.

Part of me that is working the best/ in most consistent alignment: My weight! I am happy that with minimal movement and no restrictions on the food I ate (other than my several weeks of no gluten), my weight was consistently low for the duration of the year! (And considering it was a post thru-hike year (and that I have not even been able to walk or do yoga for the past 2 months!), I think that is especially impressive!). I attribute it to a greater degree of calmness and better alignment with starting to share my gifts in terms of how I make my living.

My goals for next year:

1) Heal my body so that I can move and become a functional human being again!
(Also continue to heal my intestines and find a resolution to my skin issues).

2) Find more places to give my talk

3) Make more art and find buyers for it

4) Start writing for real!
a) Begin work on my book
b) Expand my blog

4) Re-attempt my daily gratitude practice by writing down 3 things that I am grateful for every day.

5) Start a consistent meditation practice
(at this time, I can not sit cross-legged or kneel, but I can lie down)

6) Start reading A Course in Miracles
(I was first introduced to this text five years ago during my AT hike. At that time, I was not interested in looking into it. It is a Christian- based text, and I did not identify with that. However, since that time, as a result of my yoga practice, and experiences on the long trails I have hiked, I have come to a broader understanding of the term ‘God’ and feel ready to read it. This is the text that Marianne Williamson bases her lectures and spiritual principles on. It is concerned with transforming fear based thoughts into love based ones in order to feel more at ease and access more of our potential, as well as heal ourselves and the world at large.)

7) Drink more water!

I wish you all a Happy New Year!! I hope it brings you great health and removal of all things that are blocking you from attaining the things you desire!

And remember, great beauty can come out of great pain!

I got the MRI done yesterday and found out today that I have a large lateral meniscus tear with an accompanying cyst. Surgery to have the meniscus removed is the only way I can hope to relieve the pain and become functional again. (Happy Holidays to me!) Right now, I am wishing I had this done before Christmas. The earliest I can now have the surgery is January 8th (if I have it with this random guy I saw who someone rated “worst doctor ever”), but that would mean I would have to cancel my talks on the 10th and 11th, as I won’t be able to drive or move so soon after surgery. (It turns out that one of these libraries hasn’t even listed my talk on their website yet (??) and the other still has the wrong name of the trail and my name misspelled (both of which I asked to be corrected weeks ago!) and no other information). For the last several hours, I have been trying to look up better orthopedic surgeons in Boston, but it seems like none of them accept my poverty level health insurance and since it is New Year’s Eve, I can’t get ahold of anyone and am stuck waiting. I have been wanting to write a re-cap of this past year, but at the moment, I am feeling too upset to do that. I’m scared and worried about a whole bunch of things at once. Maybe I can still find some calm time to reflect a bit later on.

A fellow PCT hiker of mine (Delaware Dave) just got around to posting his PCT pictures on Facebook these past couple of days. As I started to look through them, I kept thinking, “I know where that is!”, “I’ve been there!”, “I have a photo just like that!”. It was a wonderful trip down memory lane. And then I was completely surprised to find this picture of me, which made me laugh!

I had forgotten that he had taken this picture and at first, I didn’t know where it was taken. It looks like I am sitting down in the middle of nowhere! But after seeing the next picture of the suspension bridge, I remembered this was the last time that I saw him just before mile 800, as he was not feeling well from altitude sickness, and I wanted to move on. (From his next few photos, I learned that I had just missed seeing the cutest little bear who was scoping out his campsite!!).
I was sick with giardia at this point, and on my way to becoming infected with C. Diff. and re-tearing my Achilles in this section. But I look so happy… This is where I belong- out in the woods… out in the open where I have instant friends. Lately, I have been comforting myself with the thought that I will be in this situation again. I will have companions, my body will move again, and my spirit will feel happy. I want to return to my happy place and feel alive and happy and fulfilled.

One of my AT friends, Skip, recently asked if he could have one of my calendars. I received a card from him yesterday in return that brought tears to my eyes. The photo is a scene of a group of silhouetted thru-hikers standing outside of a shelter under a magnificent sunset. I hope he won’t mind if I quote his beautiful words…
“My life hiking is one of my happiest lives. Sometimes the nostalgia can be more than I can bear, and it’s everything I can do just to remember to breathe. My heart is in nature, and the mountains, and the sunsets. I dream of the day I can live with my heart again. That’s my euphoria and completeness.”

(Nostalgia… Breathing… Living with his heart…!!! The very things that were going through my head in the past couple of days! I love my thru-hiking people- especially the ones that remain connected to me in some way!)

I feel such the same way as Skip does, and really appreciate the affirmation of my own feelings. Despite many people in my life not being able to understand these feelings, and the consequent self-questioning that follows, I have recently arrived at an acceptance of them. It’s okay to want to return to a lifestyle that makes you most happy. It’s okay to not be okay with the life that we are taught that we are supposed to live. I have learned that I am a homebody with a gypsy soul. If I am not resting and storing up my energy, I need to be physically moving, be surrounded by like-minded people, have a purpose to my life and a reason to get up, experience more, and see more of the world. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I can’t wait until I can thru-hike again!

I’ve been reading as much about meniscus tears as possible and the news does not look good. It seems that most medial tears require surgery. There is no blood supply on the medial side of the joint and therefore no way to bring healing nutrients to the injury. This explains why the size of the swelling in my knee hasn’t been tremendous. A Facebook friend who had a similar injury told me the excruciating pain is probably fluid leaking into the joint, which is why I could find nothing to alleviate the pain. He gave me a link to the doctor that repaired his knee and when I asked how he repaired it, he answered surgery. Great… Surgery means a recovery time of several months. My desire is to stay away from this option and heal it with love instead! However, I guess I will have to find out the size and complexity of the tear from an MRI first. (From the pain I have been experiencing, I would guess it is now a large, complex tear).
My yoga teacher, David, offered a ball rolling self massage class as a treat before the holidays on Tuesday. I was very excited about this news as it has been the longest time since I have done any of this kind of work and my body has been greatly in need of it. He used to incorporate some of this work in his classes, but I can’t even remember when the last time I did this was! And at this point, it is the only class I can attempt. One of the co-owners had just finished teaching his class when I arrived. When I passed him in the hallway, I told him that I had torn my meniscus. “That happened to me, too!” he said. I was stunned. I knew he had torn his hamstring years ago, but never heard about him injuring his knee. “I had the surgery and half of my meniscus is now completely gone!” he happily said. (I can’t imagine this being a good thing!). I told him that the orthopedist I saw said there was nothing I could do. He shook his head and told me to tell him I need to see a sports doctor. “I couldn’t straighten my leg.” “Neither can I!”. Apparently, the injured tissue keeps getting caught, creating pain, as well as causing the leg to give way.
I brought my mat into the yoga room, where my teacher was setting up a special light display for us. “I tore my meniscus!” I told him. “I heard!”, he said.
“How did you hear?”.
“I saw something on Facebook. I silently looked at it and my jaw dropped open. What are you doing about it? I can give you the name of my physical therapist. She knows a lot about the meniscus.”
It doesn’t surprise me that Todd immediately went for the surgery, whereas David advocates physical therapy. They are opposites in a lot of ways. Todd is very logical, scientific, and non-emotional. I have a friend, who also possesses many of the same traits as Todd, who keeps imploring me to see a doctor, go to physical therapy, heal myself by following the “standard practices”, which I have a high degree of resistance to based on my previous experiences. Surgery is not even a question for him. David, on the other hand, is highly emotional and although he and I both see merits in some of what science has shown, we tend to rely on a deeper and more holistic wisdom. He is trained in myofascial release and does bodywork, as well as teach yoga. And although he was highly against chiropractors a couple of years ago when I was seeking one out, he has since been seeing one since he injured his back this past summer. Whereas Todd is against the display of emotion, David often says that it is not a good day until he makes someone cry (to release something that is hurting them). (I am clearly more on the same side that David is!).
I was very happy to be in that room with him on Tuesday, witnessing the depth of love that he has for what he teaches, the extra effort that he puts into making the room cozy and decorative, and the thought that he puts into the music that he plays for each class. There is no question that he excels at what he does and it is so nice to see someone using his gifts to his fullest capacity. I’m not sure how much the class actually helped me due to my level of pain, but it was good to be reminded of some of the techniques and positions, and it was definitely good to laugh again.

On Friday, I finally received some fascial bodywork that I had long been desiring. I went to see the woman who performed the series of 10 rolfing sessions on me way back in 2007! The last time I had seen her was April of 2011. I had written to her about my meniscus tear to find out her opinion, and just as I thought, she said she could help provide some space for my knee (although she recommended that I ice it, elevate it, and compress it, as well as seriously consider the surgery). (The medial meniscus is highly important for stabilizing). It was great to be on the table, having someone work on my body. Daphne is very feminine and always shares her latest man stories with me, which is always humorous, light, and hopeful, and we also talk about transformational life stuff during our sessions. Her work has gotten much lighter with more experience, which was perfect for me. My initial series was quite painful and back then, I equated pain with lasting change. Now, I believe that lighter work is just as beneficial when it comes from a skilled practitioner. Just as in the article that I had read in the New York Times, she avoided touching my knee and instead worked on my feet and hips, and then did a bit of opening on my inner thighs. I have not been able to stretch my left hip at all for the past 7 weeks because I can’t externally rotate my left knee without extreme pain, and my right hip has gotten extremely strained from trying to bear the weight of both legs when I attempt to walk. She asked me to breathe into my hip, and my first breath made the tissue more pliable and easier for her to manipulate. (This breathing thing we are taught to do in yoga really does do something!) She then opened up some of my pec tissue, my throat, and finally my back muscles (which she was very impressed with!). It was clear to her that the yoga I’ve done has paid off. My posture is better and my body is visibly physically strong (even after 7 weeks of barely moving!). And perhaps even more importantly, she was impressed with my attitude and mental strength. After the last couple of years I’ve had (and really this lifetime that I’ve had), I just couldn’t believe this latest injury, leaving me unable to even walk! How could this possibly be happening to me?! I have come to learn, however, that feeling bad about my circumstances is not helpful. It is merely a fact of what is happening. And the only thing I can do is choose how I will respond to it. So, I have been trying to keep my spirits lifted as much as possible and gather healing energy for the best possible outcome. Daphne said that when things like this happen, it is an opportunity to gain a greater body awareness. There is no question that my body awareness has exponentially grown in the past few years. And there is also a lot of evidence that my mental strength has grown a great deal, as well. I told her that this year has been both physically and financial extremely difficult (probably my worst ever!), but that spiritually, it has been one of my strongest. She was not at all surprised by that correlation. She said the spiritual strength is something that will remain with me throughout my lifetime. When I got off the table, I felt so much lighter and felt like I could almost walk again! And unlike my visit to the doctor, I got a big parting hug! I love my holistic healers!

(It only took a few steps for my knee to give out again and since last night, it has returned to its normal high level of constant pain, but at least some tension has been removed from my back body!)

And thanks to my friend Taylor, who painted me this beautiful card, I now have a reminder to breathe!

This past week has been one of the most physically painful weeks of my life. My attempted short walk last Sunday created lasting excruciating pain in my knee. Not only could I not put any weight on it, I could not even lie in my bed without constant shooting pain. I could not straighten my leg and there was no position that I could lie in without immense pain. By Tuesday, I knew that my injury was too acute for my chiropractor to be able to help. I had trouble even breathing because the pain was so intense. I had no idea how I was even going to be able to lie on his table!
It took me about a half an hour to try to drag by leg down the street for a coffee on Wednesday. Every step sent a sharp pain through my leg. I had to teach two hour long yoga classes that afternoon and was in tears or near tears immediately preceeding both of them. I wasn’t in any state to provide for my students due to my own pain and inability to move myself, but since they wanted to do yoga, I quickly shifted into teaching and calming mode (surprising myself at my ability to do this!).
My chiropractic session didn’t contain as much laughing as I thought it would. He was required to wear a face mask by the insurance company because he didn’t get his flu shot and I had to get my temperature, pulse, and blood pressure taken, as well as my height and weight recorded. I found all of these new implementations to be quite ridiculous! No one is sick! I’m going to the chiropractor! He tested my knee and said it passed the test for a torn medial meniscus. He said there was not much he could do about it and that I should see an orthopedist and get an MRI. He did rub the back of my head at one point during the session. “How ARE you, Wendy? It’s been a long time!” He remembered some of the stories that I used to talk about during our past sessions. And at one point, after I asked something that I can’t quite remember, he answered, “Everything is possible- right?”. I nodded, considering that I say that in my talk… I figured there would be a high five at some point, and I was right. He told me to ice my knee as much as possible.
After I left, I called my insurance company and made an appointment with an orthopedist before teaching another yoga class. Along with the intensity of the pain, I was experiencing a lot of fear. A big part of me wants to be able to hike the CDT and this news of the tear is taking that hope away. I have been practicing imagining myself in the future in a healthier and happier state instead of sinking into the despair of the present.
On Friday, I saw the orthopedist. The introduction wasn’t the nicest. He just stood there looking at me, not understanding that I wanted to be called Wendy. He wanted to know what happened six weeks ago. “Nothing. I was standing in the bathroom and I turned to leave and my leg gave out and then swelled up.”
“Okay. You were in the shower…”
“No. I was standing in the bathroom.”
(He didn’t seem to understand). “In front of the sink…”
“And how did you turn?”
I was getting a little exasperated. Nothing I did would have resulted in a torn knee. Actually, I believe it happened in my yoga class in mid-September. My teacher wanted us to do something that I knew was bad (especially for me, but in general, as well). I didn’t do the first side, but since she said she was waiting for us all to do it on the second (my weaker side), I decided I better at least try. My knee made a popping sound so loud that I assumed everyone in the room could hear it! I had planned on going for a hike that Thursday because my yoga classes were cancelled, but I couldn’t because of my knee pain. I postponed the hike for several weeks, and even then, my knee hurt. When I told another teacher before class about my injury, he said my other teacher should never have had us do that- that it was like jumping out of a 10 story building and landing on one knee! It did gradually start getting better until that day in November.

He asked if I had ever had problems with it before, but didn’t have time for me to give him my history. I told him about it swelling up in 2012 and how I saw a physical therapist, who decided that scraping it with a metal tool was a good idea.
“She did that?”
“Yes!”
“Did it help?”
“No!!!”. (I’d like to know whose bright idea that one was!)

The Orthopedist agreed that the meniscus was probably torn and said they would take x-rays, but would likely not see anything. The next step would be to get an MRI. He then told me that there is nothing you can do about this type of injury. “I tell people it’s like chipping your tooth. Too bad.”
(Okay…!!)
The x-rays looked fine. He said they would contact my insurance company and see if they will agree to an MRI.
“And in the meantime…?”
“Don’t go on any big hikes.”
Is he kidding?! I can’t even lie down!!!
“Don’t do any squats or lunges.”
“Okay”. (I can’t even walk!!!)
So, I rest my case. This is why I don’t find going to doctors helpful at all. I don’t see the point in having an expensive MRI done if they have no ideas on how I can heal it. I think I will get some fascia work done to open up some space around the injury and see my chiropractor at least once a week. At least these people offer healing touch and positive energy! And I will try to heal my injury with love- my own and that of the universe! If anyone cares to send me some, I will deeply appreciate it!