I’ve never paid much attention to astrology, other than being astounded at how perfectly my sign description matches me, but after hearing a couple of mentions about how other people have been struggling recently, as well, and how they were attributing it to the mercury retrograde, I decided to read the following article and see what they were referring to.

http://thespiritscience.net/2014/10/08/6-ways-to-not-only-survive-but-thrive-in-mercury-retrograde/

Hmmm… Maybe there is something to this astrology stuff! And maybe this explains a lot of what I have been going through recently! Aside from the obvious struggles, this article mentions technology difficulties being common during this period, which I have definitely had my share of! On the 28th of September, I gave my talk in another town south of Boston. After setting up my laptop and projector, which projected just fine on the screen, I left the room only to return to a blinking light on the screen! I noticed the blue light of the projector was also blinking on and off. I tried tightening the connections on both the projector and my laptop, but nothing changed. When I told the librarian, she was not pleased! She wanted nothing to do with the set up and had the IT person do everything beforehand, calling me to make sure it would all work. When I told her it was working earlier but now wasn’t, she threw up her hands, sighed, and assumed it was my computer. A man in the audience said I should restart my laptop, and even though I did, I said I was pretty sure that it was the projector because that was the thing that was blinking. Since no one was offering to help resolve the problem, and the librarian seemed anxious to start, I ended up offering to turn my laptop around so the audience could get a small view of my photos. (I had wondered when that was going to happen!). It turned out that this library had the best sound system of any of the ones I have been to so far, but my pictures could barely be seen. Still, some of the audience members commended me for how I responded to the situation. At this point, I have been confronted with just about every malfunction possible! Luckily, my car manged the drive home!

Last Monday night, the technology problems slipped into my dreams. I had a vivid nightmare about my iMovie program being completely eliminated from my computer, and somehow, my Quicktime back up of my slideshow disappeared as well! I had to give a talk on Wednesday and this nightmare was still in my head at the time. I wasn’t sure if my computer would be functioning at all for that talk as I drove to that town. Luckily, it was.

This past Monday was just a rough day, overall. The unraveling continued and I just had to allow it all to bottom out. Ever since I first envisioned putting a presentation together, I imagined that I could give it in the yoga studio that I attend. Since most of the things I learned on my PCT (and other) long hikes are the same things that we learn in our yoga practice, because I have been a loyal member of this community for more than three years now (buying yearly memberships, receiving my teacher training from them, attending every possible workshop when I had a job), and because some of the music and a few of the things I say in my talk were inspired by my teachers there, I thought it would be a natural place to give it. However, I have also always felt that the owners pick their favorite students who they shower with support and opportunities, and leave the rest of us aside to struggle on our own. I am one of those cast aside. So, while I mentioned a few times to one of the owners about the possibility of me giving my presentation there and how many of the things I mention in my presentation were inspired by him, there was never any real talk of setting something up. Several of my peers have been interested in hearing my talk ever since I first gave it, but have not been willing to drive to other towns to hear it. They said they would go if my talk was held in Boston. Finally, one of the regulars asked the owner if I could present there a few weeks ago. He agreed and when he saw me before class that evening told me to pick a date! I was so excited! Finally, it was happening! About a week later, we decided on a Wednesday night, after his class, when one of the rooms was free. He asked me for a description and photos, which I reminded him I had already sent. “Okay, this should go out on Monday” (meaning he would sent a notice about it in one of their e-mail newsletters). Nothing went out, which wasn’t unexpected.
The following week, I got an e-mail from the manager, telling me that he was left with the job of publicizing this event and wanted to know why we had picked the certain date. He replied several days later, telling me that he would let people who are around on Wednesday nights know about it as the date got closer. I was so confused! This was not meant for people who are “around” on Wednesday nights. I wanted to invite everyone!
The following week, I got an e-mail from the owner who I was originally working with, now backing out of helping me advertise at all! He said he thought I wanted public space to show my pictures to my friends. (???) He also said that he and his co-owner (the two people who I took my teacher training with and who I continue to take classes with to this day) don’t even know what is in my talk. I was stunned. Since April, I have been posting comments I have received from people who have seen my talk, publicizing when my next talks are, etc. He knew I have been giving this presentation at other places. If I wanted to show my friends my pictures, I could do that in my apartment! And by saying that he doesn’t know what is in my talk, he is telling me that he does not believe in me or support me. (If he wanted to know, he could just ask me or ask any number of people who have seen it). I felt like I should just cancel the event and just go where I am wanted.
Because I had talks the past 2 Mondays, I hadn’t been to my studio in two weeks. This would be the first time I would see my teacher after he sent me that e-mail. Although I had sent them a flier for my talk, they wouldn’t even hang one up for me. When I reached the third floor where my class was, the other owner was posting fliers. “Can I hang my flier up?” I asked him, realizing the timing was perfect.
“Ummm…. I have two more to go… I have to advertise these events.” He didn’t even look at me.
My hurt feelings only increased. I couldn’t hold in my tears before the start of my first class. If the leaders of my “tribe” aren’t supportive of me, who is? My teacher said she was glad that I was there when she saw how I was feeling and then, “It’s good to be here!”. I shook my head. No, it’s not. When the class ended, the tears were still flowing. One class wasn’t enough to break me out of my feelings. I had to decide whether to take the next class with the owner or not. I did stay, and although I was in no mood to laugh at his jokes, I did feel a bit better at the end of class.

After going back and forth on whether to just forgo giving my talk there or doing all of the advertising myself, I decided to go ahead with it. Part of me hopes that I can get my biggest audience yet, while part of me is worried that these people won’t be comfortable (or forewarned) that they are going to have to sit on the floor. And maybe my photos won’t even show up on the wall. It’s been hard to get friends to even share the event info or invite their friends. So much resistance! I did do a bit of outside advertising, but I have no idea how many people intend to show up. All I can do is put some positive energy out there and hope people will want to come.

P.S. I got an e-mail from one of my yoga friends last night, replying to my invitation for my talk at the studio. She wrote back, saying that she had been in the ICU for the past week, as her beloved sister was hit by a truck while bicycling home. This news snapped me out of my little problems and immediately brought everything back into perspective. I felt both heartbroken and angry. Nothing else mattered. Please send love to my friend Ina and her critically injured sister, Maria. They are both sparks of light in this world.

Updates (10/13/14):

I had a brief talk with the owner of the studio tonight and expressed how I have been feeling about his lack of support. The conclusion was that if enough people say they loved my presentation after I give it there the first time, he will let me give it again in the future and stand behind me next time.

And Ina’s sister was transferred out of the ICU today!