Several weeks ago, I made the decision to remove myself from a situation that was not healthy for me. In the first couple of weeks, instead of feeling a sense of sadness from the loss of contact to someone who I thought was a friend, I walked around with a much greater feeling of freedom than I had felt in awhile. I felt like I had just opened up my life to a whole new set of possibilities that were much better and healthier for me and I felt so much hope. I understood how much I have been yearning for true connection and that my feelings of loneliness and sadness around not feeling this tremendously important part of life has been completely justified. I have begun to understand that having boundaries is a very important part of compassion- for both one’s self as well as for the other person. It became clear to me that enabling unhealthy behavior can only result in an unhappy ending for both parties. While it feels like the person who is acting as an enabler is being endlessly supportive, kind, giving, and loving, this behavior is actually only keeping the other party entrenched in their unhealthy habits, allows no reason for this other person to ever examine his or her own behavior and what effect it has on him or herself or on others, and only aids in the continuation of numbing and running away from this person’s own self. In addition, the enabler will never ever receive what they are longing for- to be treated with respect, to be seen and valued as a real human being, and to be loved in return. They only become depleted and never receive anything back. It became clear to me that it is impossible to have a relationship of any kind with a person who is unwilling to acknowledge their own behavior, who is unwilling to ever apologize, and who holds no accountability. I understood that an addict can never be there for anyone else- that they are owned by their own pain and whatever it is that they are addicted to, and that they can not feel compassion for anyone else because they do not feel compassion for themselves. I also understood that you can not help anyone who does not wish to wake up or be helped themselves. Sometimes, you must let go and love people from afar in order not to be dragged down with them.
I have learned that when you do everything possible to not feel anything painful- to push away, run from, and numb these feelings, you block the ability to feel the more positive emotions as well. And I have learned that when this happens, the only feeling that remains is anger. Lots and lots of anger. I KNOW that the only path to internal freedom and peace is THROUGH the difficult emotions- that you must work through everything that has hurt and blocked you before you find the feelings of joy and peace that are accessible on the other side. I am starting to feel small bits of this freedom here and there and I am understanding that for some of us, these feelings take longer to get to than for others because we have more layers to dig through, more work to do, and more patterns to unlearn.
It has become very clear to me that I want to surround myself with open-hearted people- people who are willing to allow themselves to be seen and who are willing to share who they are, what they know, how they struggle, and what they have learned. I want to be surrounded by people who love to laugh, who are creative, and who are open to possibility- people who are honest and loyal and hold integrity- people who wish to continue to grow, evolve, and expand. I am learning that you become what you consume- in the form of the food you ingest, the company you keep, and the information that you take in on a daily basis. This is a realization that gives me tremendous hope!
I understand that we all have a distinct and special purpose on this earth- a reason for our existence at this particular time- and that depression is simply a disconnection from our own spirit. This purpose is something that has been known to each of us from the time that we were a child, but something that few of us are living out. I want to start living my purpose now. I want to write much more, speak more, and share more. I am learning that I will be supported in my path as I commit to it more strongly- and just as I learned on the PCT, I can’t know how this will happen, but I don’t need to spend my energy worrying about it.
In the coming weeks, I will be writing a lot more about these topics. I am committed to this path and it is now my full intention to step into my life’s purpose. I hope that you will join with me! Thank you for your support!